Supreme Court overturns Patria's ban on gay marriage

A mere two days before election day, the Supreme Court of Patria not only stabbed social conservatives in the back but twisted the knife as well. The Supreme Court judges ruled that Patria's ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional even if there was no actual legislation on the books banning gay and lesbian marriages, only an unwritten law or gentleman's agreement that marriage is by definition reserved exclusively for heterosexual couples.

The Family Values Party, Chastity Party, an assortment of Evangelical Christians and other social conservative organizations who have been pushing the "family values" "forward to the 1950s" and "healthy, happy, heterosexual" messages during the 2014 election cycle failed to convince the Supreme Court that gay marriage would harm children, devalue traditional heterosexual marriage, destroy Patria's underlying traditional Judeo-Christian moral code (Patria never had much of it, even before the 1989-90 Dharmic Revolution), and overturn centuries of social tradition. Noting that the Constitution of Patria has continued to evolve since 1818 so that it can accommodate and address the realities of 21st century life, the Justices held that the word "marriage" in Patria's laws and statutes does not exclude same-sex marriage. The Court also noted that no pandit, pastor, priest or rabbi in Patria will ever be required to officiate a same-sex marriage: "legalizing same-sex marriages in Patria will not compel temples, churches, synagogues and other places of worship to perform marriages of gay or lesbian couples that are contrary to their beliefs because religious officials are not required to solemnize marriages which their teachings and scriptures do not condone". The onus will be on same-sex couples to find a clergyperson, justice or the peace or other public official willing to perform such a marriage.

Of course, for most Aspies, 40-something virgins and other socially inept nerds in Patria, this ruling is a moot point. Intimate long-term relationships, whether homosexual or heterosexual, are as complex as integral calculus and marriage is simply not an option.

Patria's home of the Supremes (and we don't mean Diana Ross and company)