Total Transformation: tough parenting for National Union moms and dads

If you do any AM radio listening at all, particularly to satellite-fed conservative talk shows and the usual syndicated sports talkers, you've probably heard ads for The Total Transformation: a tough-love zero-tolerance parenting program that claims to turn misbehaving, unruly, short attention-span children (from pre-school through teenagers) into compliant, obedient little National Unionists who will do as they are told by authority figures (i.e. their mom or dad). It is touted as a "step-by-step plan for stopping defiance, back talk, lying and disrespect":

Who’s really in charge at your home?

If you are trying to parent a defiant, out–of–control child, you know how their behavior affects everyone and everything in your home, from siblings to your relationship with your spouse.

It’s time to put you back in control of your home, and getting that control is simpler than you think.

The Total Transformation® will give you back the respect you deserve and the authority your children actually need from you.

As James Lehman, one of the creators of the Total Transformation program, notes: "The Total Transformation Program will help you deal with all the behaviors children and adolescents present as they develop into young adults. We focus primarily on the problem behaviors that prevent a child from getting along with others: developing self–esteem, managing anger, underachievement, school performance, substance abuse, and general social problem solving. We will give you specific tools and techniques to deal with problems such as fighting, arguing with parents, lying, temper tantrums, talking back, destroying property, picking on siblings or classmates, acting sullen and withdrawn, lack of motivation, cigarette smoking, substance abuse, and behavior problems in school and in the community. It’s important to note that the skills you learn in the program will help you to parent all your children, not only those who have attitude or behavior problems."

Although Total Transformation appears to be gender-neutral, it is particularly targeted to parents of boys. Everyone - from parents to police - knows that boys have much shorter attention spans and far more behavioral problems than girls. Parents can use Total Transformation in order to mold their wimpy little boys into tough National Union men who will keep the NU well represented in Congress in the decades to come.

To state the obvious, Total Transformation is endorsed and approved by the National Union - Patria's purveyors of obedience and respect for authority since 1854. Law and order begin at home.