Jungle Party's 49th Congress caucus

According to the results of the Smack-Off, the 21 seats won by the Jungle Party have been awarded to the Clones with the best smack, former Smack-Off winners, and to certain XR4TI members, as follows:

1. Jim Rome (House Leader)* - FDC
   
2. Jason ("J-Stew") Stewart* - FDC
   
3. Vic in NoCal (2010 Smack-Off winner) - Lazuria
   
4. Mike in Indy - Aeolia
   
5. Dr. Mike DiTolla - Aeolia
   
6. Joe in the O.C.* - Caesarea
   
7. Iafrate* - Centralia
   
8. Jay Mohr - Arboria
   
9. Terrence in Sierra Madre* - Aeolia
   
10. Brad in Corona** - Lazuria
    
11. Dan in DC - Arboria
    
12. Lisa in Indy - Antioch
    
13. Cheryl in Austin - Ambrosia
    
14. Vinny Mac in Des Moines -Ambrosia
    
15. Greg in Vegas* - Nova Columbia
    
16. RayRay in Tampa - Mauretania
    
17. Rachel in Houston* - Caesarea
    
18. Jeff on a car phone in Phoenix* - Haldimania
    
19. Stevie Carbone from LMU* - Canardiere
    
20. Little Alvin Delloro - FDC
    
21. Trapper in Dana Point - Pottsylvania
    

* Incumbent member from 2006. **Brad in Corona replaced Sean the Cablinasian, who was declared ineligible to serve in Congress in 2009.

48th Congress begins lame-duck session

As the transition to the 49th Congress begins, and the countdown to Inauguration Day is on, a lame-duck administration with few real accomplishments to its credit continues in office for about 10 more weeks. If that seems familiar, it is just like the U.S. between Nov. 4, 2008 and Jan. 20, 2009.

Having returned from its pre-election recess, the first item on the 4·XLVIII order paper was to certify the results of the election as official, following a re-count that awarded one more seat to the Jungle Party.

49th Congress-elect seat allocations by precinct and party.

Before the 48th Congress is adjourned sine die, the lame-duck session will have to ratify Patria's 2010-11 budget, deliver the final report of the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and take care of a number of other legislative loose ends, e.g. legislation to further implement Patria's virtual legalization of all non-medical recreational drugs.

Election day winners and losers

A judicial re-count in Aeolia awarded one seat to the Jungle Party that had originally gone to Family Values. Re-counts were also ordered in Lazuria and Centralia, but no seats changed hands. The following are the 333 seat allocations in the 49th Congress-elect, which will be confirmed later this week when the Fourth Session, 48th Congress returns for lame-duck session, with the first item on the order paper to ratify the election returns.

+/- in [ ] indicate gains or losses from 2006.

Amrita Party ---------------------------- 78 [-10, but merged with SRM in 2006]

Chakra Party ---------------------------- 63 [+15]

SRM ------------------------------------ 50 [merged with Amrita in 2006]

National Union -------------------------- 35 [-35]

Social Democrats ------------------------ 33 [+3]

Jungle Party ---------------------------- 21 [+9]

Green Party ---------------------------- 18 [-6]

Libertarian ----------------------------- 8 [-7]

Lilith Party ----------------------------- 7 [-9]

Incel Party ----------------------------- 5 [new]

Chastity Party -------------------------- 3 [-3]

Family Values Party -------------------- 2 [-2]

Freedom Party ------------------------- 1 [-4]

Party for Personal Responsibility ------- 1 [-2]

Rationalist Party ----------------------- 1 [-1]

Reconstruction Party ------------------- 1

Victory and Peace ---------------------- 1

New Age Centralia ---------------------- 1

Popular Front of Pottsylvania ----------- 1

Lazurian Independent Party ------------ 1

Peoples Party --------------------------- 1

Christian Heritage Party ---------------- 1

Of the whopping 22 parties that have been awarded seats in Congress, ten are single-seaters.

National Union was, of course, the big loser. The NU's tough-as-nails law-and-order schtick is tired and played. No one seems to buy the promises of public executions, corporal punishment for petty miscreants, or hard time for lonely, repressed or socially inept men trying to buy some sex on the street.

The day after the election. It's morning in Patria!

To borrow Reagan's 1984 campaign slogan. As Campaign 2010 transitions into the 49th Congress-elect, the dust (not the hanging chads) from the election is beginning to settle. The Positive Possibilities coalition can claim 199 seats (78 Amrita, 63 Chakra, 33 Social Democrat, 18 Green, 7 Lilith). If they can get the support of half the 50 SRMers elected, they will have the two-thirds super-majority required for key ratification votes in the 333-seat Congress. With 50 seats, the SRM holds a huge chunk of the balance of power. The macho-man National Union pretty much lost one of its testicles. Cut in half, from 70 seats in the 48th Congress to only 35 in the 49th. Light up another Marlboro, NU man!

Best case scenario, the Diet Coke Party gang can count about 100 votes (50 SRM, 35 NU, 8 Libertarian, and the handful of one or two-seat right-wing fringe parties). Diet Coke Party or no, the SRM will continue to push hard in the new Congress for Patria-first economic nationalism and Gandhi-style non-violent resistance against globalism. Will the PosPos be open, ready, willing to listen? Not to mention the other parties that have been vilified as "leftists", "progressives", "tax and spenders" and of course, that dreaded L-word "liberals"?

The have-a-take-don't suck smack-talking Jungle Party, which is unlikely to throw in its lot with either the PosPos or Diet Coke, jumped from 12 to 20 seats (and possibly one more, pending results of re-count). The results of the Smack-Off on April 23 will determine which Clones will fill these seats along with Jungle Party house leader Jim Rome and "Mr. Automatic" J-Stew.

Next task is for the 48th Congress to return from pre-election recess for a final lame-duck session. The first item on the 4·XLVIII order paper is to certify the results of the election, pending judicial re-counts, which in any case only involve one or two fringe party seats in backwater precincts. This ain't Florida in 2000!

Today is Election Day!

Vote early and often! Polls are open from 7:00 AM to 9:30 PM. Patria holds its election day on a weekend, like most of Europe, Japan, and even some of the Third World DINOs (Democracies in Name Only). It's a concept that has never even been thought of in the U.S., Canada or the U.K., where they constantly complain about poor voter turnout but won't even consider moving the election day from a weekday, when many people find it a pain in the ass to take time off to vote or their employers don't give them an hour or two off in order to cast a ballot.

Of course, the real problem with poor voter turnout in the U.S., Canada and U.K. is not so much weekday election days, but disgust with the dinosaur first-past-the-post electoral system that results in wasted votes (unless you are lucky enough to live in a riding or district where your vote may actually mean something). While they may never adopt some kind of proportional representation, surely it's not too much to ask for the three leading first-world democracies to hold elections on a Saturday or Sunday.

Last day on the campaign trail

The last day of Campaign 2010. The long, sometimes hard-fought, drawn-out 49th Congress campaign is about to come to and end. By law, all rallies, campaign speeches, broadcast advertising, and other electioneering must end at 11:59 PM tonight.

On the last full day on the campaign trail, the Diet Coke Partyers are hitting it hard, pushing the usual rightist and populist buttons. "Fight liberals & leftists!" "No socialized medicine in Patria!" (actually, Patria - like Canada, Europe, Japan, and most of the civilized world - has had a federally subsidized health care system for decades), "Cut taxes now!", "Ride the Diet Coke Party bus or get thrown under it!

The SRM is front and center at the Diet Coke rallies, with their "take back the economy" promises of non-violent resistance against globalism. The Three S's - Satyagraha, Swadeshi, Swaraj - are an integral part of the populist verbiage freely spewed out at Diet Coke Parties. They give the anti-government populists what they want to hear: hard-core economic nationalism and "freedom from China" rants. But there is a fair degree of dissension among the SRM caucus. The more moderate SRMers seem to be trending toward the Positive Possibilities.

And then there's the National Union, showing up at Diet Coke Parties with nooses in hand, promising to use them on murderers, rapists, pedophiles, and pretty much anyone convicted of a more serious offense than jaywalking or littering. What else did you expect from the NU besides an amped-up take-no-prisoners war on crime. Actually the NU will take plenty of prisoners, and even push "lock 'em up and throw away the key" law and order as a job creation scheme. Building prisons and hiring prison guards is one way to fight the recession!

The "sex is dirty" Chastity and Family Values Parties are also throwing in their lot with the Diet Coke Parties. What would you expect from fringe parties plugging old-school Christian conservative values straight out of Leave it to Beaver and Red-state America.

The Amrita Party, Chakra Party, and the rest of the Positive Possibilities bunch are also campaigning hard on the last day before the election, taking their message into Hindu temples, yoga studios, ashrams, and even nightclubs (Yoga in the Nightclub, literally taking the CD by Parvati out into the streets of Patria).

And finally, on the day before the election, the Jungle Party gained a potential new member of Congress. By winning the Hack-Off, Vinny Mac in Des Moines earned a bid for the Smack-Off and a chance for a Jungle seat in Congress.

Kamala Cup playoffs

For fans of the Patrienish Hockey League, the puck is about to drop on the Kamala Cup playoffs, Patria's version of the Stanley Cup. In one best-of-seven semi-final, the defending Kamala Cup champion Arboria Beavers meet the Nova Columbia Condors. The other semi-final has the Caesarea Violets going up against the Centralia Crusaders. The winners meet in the finals, and the season is over by the first week in May. Just like in the Original Six-era NHL, mainly because the PHL has never expanded beyond its Original Six franchises!

As for the sad-sack hapless Castoropolis Centurions, they finished dead freaking last, out of the playoffs for the fifth straight season. It wouldn't be fair to call the Centruions the Toronto Maple Leafs of the PHL. At least the Cents do have a couple of Kamala Cups, as recently as 1999 and 2002. Far better than the Leafs, who have been stiffing Leaf Nation since 1967.

Jungle Party's Hack-Off and Smack-Off

Jungle Party leader Jim Rome announced that the Hack-Off would take place this Friday, April 16, the day before the election, and the Smack-Off a week later on April 23. The Hack-Off is a contest for the "worst of the worst" callers who have a take and DO suck. The winner of the Hack-Off will receive an at-large Smack-Off tournament bid, and thus have a chance to advance to a seat in the 49th Congress.

Among the Hack-Off contestants: Jolene ("dressed as your mom") in Farmington, Vinny Mac ("I'm the bottle on the top shelf") in Des Moines, Eddie ("on the banks of the 'What do we do now' river") in Boise, Parody Patrick, Nezrin not Mezrin ("Phil JACK-son!"), Corey in Buffalo, Aaron in Canton, Jason ("star Canadian linebacker") in Ottawa, Tobin in Chapel Hill, Flamian in LA, Ryan in Wichita, Jerome ("BOHICA, Bend Over Here It Comes Again") in Nashville, and Dean in Edmonton.

While the Hack-Off is new for 2010, the Smack-Off is an annual competition on The Jim Rome Show, in which select listeners are invited to provide their best "smack talk", with Rome and his show personnel determining the winner. The contest is a way to recognize the best callers to the show, as well as a means of determining the best caller of the year. Show host Jim Rome has referred to the Smack-Off as the most important show of the entire year. For Patria, the Smack-Off determines who will sit in Congress as part of the Jungle Party caucus, along with Rome and "Mr. Automatic" J-Stew (Jason Stewart).

The defending 2009 Smack-Off champion Brad in Corona gets an automatic bid for a seat in Congress, along with previous Smack-Off winners, with the exception of Sean the Cablinasian, who was declared ineligible in 2008:

• Iafrate*
  
• J.T. the Brick
• Jeffrey E. DiTolla "Esquire"
• Doc Mike DiTolla
• Steve Carbone*
• Silk in Huntington Beach
• Jeff in Richmond*

Previous Smack-Off invitees who may receive at-large bids in 2010:

• Greg in Vegas*
• Bill in Knoxville*
  
• Irie Craig
• Jeff "bumping around on a car phone" in Phoenix*
• Terrence in Sierra Madre (best caller never to have won)*
  
• Trapper in Dana Point (who should be representing the Social Democrats)
  
• Jay Mohr
• Gino in San Antonio
• John in C-Town
• Jim in Fall River
• Casey in Vegas
• Joe in the O.C.*
• Rachel in Houston*
• Oren in Denver
• Vic in NoCal
• Chad in Portland
• J.D. in Nashville
• Bodie in Pearland
• Corey in Ann Arbor
• Mike in Wichita
• Dan in D.C.
• Smooth Joe in Hollywood
• Josh in Grand Rapids
• Mike in Indy (surprise second-place finisher in 2009)

* Incumbent members of the 48th Congress.

The Jungle Party received only 12 seats in 2006, so it's likely that not all Smack-Off participants will be awarded seats in the 49th Congress, unless the Jungle Party makes the jump from fringe to coalition bracket-buster in 2010.

NU plays the men's rights card

As if "top dog for the alpha male" slogans, promising to bring back public executions, advocating corporal punishment for kids, and smoking Marlboros aren't macho enough, the National Union is pushing "masculinism" (as opposed to feminism) and men's rights. Worried about "the declining state of today's male," and "the war on men and boys", the NU is even fighting hard for courses in mens' studies at Patria's universities.

The NU notes that in the latest recession, 82% of pink slips handed out in the United States went to men, and a good chunk of those jobs won't be coming back. Boys and young men commit suicide at a rate of more than four times that of girls and young women. Boys are far more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD and put on Ritalin. In the United States, women outlive men by an average of seven years. In Eastern Europe the gap is 15 years. At universities in the United States and Canada, as well as in Patria, women make up about 60% of the student population, men only 40%, a dramatic reversal from the early days of feminism. Not to mention that 90% of the homeless, mentally ill, and substance abusers are males and that men consistently get the short end of the stick in divorce and custody battles.

The NU is committed to "taking back the testosterone" and restoring male pride as early as grade school. As Phyllis Schlafly notes in her Eagle Forum, elementary schools are not only ruled by females; they are dominated by feminists who make school unpleasant for boys from the get-go. Fewer than ten percent of elementary school teachers are men, giving boys the distinct impression that school is not for them.

Elementary school teachers used to understand that boys will be boys, but teachers now look upon boys as just unruly girls. Feminists manifest hostility to males and to masculine traits such as competitiveness and aggressiveness, and instead reward typical female behaviors such as non-assertiveness and group cooperation.

Schools cannot make gender go away by pretending that boys do not have an innate masculinity, or by trying to suppress it with ridiculous zero-tolerance punishments, banning sports such as dodge ball and tag, and allowing only playground games without winners.

Five- and six-year-old boys are not as able or willing as little girls to sit quietly at a desk and do neat work with pencil and paper. Even worse is the appalling fact that first-grade kids are not taught how to read phonetically, and the assigned stories are mostly about topics of interest to girls not boys.

It's no wonder that boys are more likely to have academic or behavior problems, repeat a grade, get suspended, be enrolled in special education programs, or become involved in drugs, alcohol or crime. Little boys make the calculation that school (and college) is not an environment where they want to remain.

For decades, the National Union has been thumbing its nose at feminists. Is it any wonder one of the NU's slogans (along with "testosterone in your balls, National Union on your ballot") is "committed to putting the Patriarchy back into Patria".

The 3 F's meet the 3 S's

A simplified explanation of Patria's Diet Coke Party phenomenon: the Three F's of the U.S. Republicans and Christian supremacists - Faith, Family, Freedom - meet the Three S's of the SRM and the Hindu nationalists - Satyagraha, Swadeshi, Swaraj. For those who haven't been following the Patriavotes2010 twitter feed (shame on you!), Satyagraha is non-violent Gandhi-style resistance or civil disobedience, Swadeshi refers to made-in-Patria domestic production of virtually everything, rather than dependence on imports (mainly from China), and Swaraj means literally self-rule, i.e. freedom from China, or freedom from globalization-mongers who are exporting high-paying manufacturing jobs to China and replacing them with (if you're lucky) minimum-wage service industry jobs. And like India in the dying days of the Raj, leading up to Aug. 15, 1947, Patria today sees itself locked in a struggle for freedom - not from the British, but from China. And while China might not be ruling Patria (and the U.S. for that matter) as a colonial power, the forces of globalization, free trade and made-in-China imports make it seem that way.

With a big chunk of seats likely to be won in the new Congress, the SRM will be crucial in forming the next coalition. Some of the more moderate SRMers can be persuaded to join the Positive Possibilities, while the "take back the economy" Hindu hard-liners are firmly in the Diet Coke Party camp (though they may be drinking ThumsUp, which is almost as popular as Coke in Patria).

Dead horses that won't die, no matter how much they're flogged

A number of hoary old issues keep coming up in every election campaign. Campaign 2010 is no exception.

Abortion: Women in Patria have had access to safe and legal abortion since 1973, thanks to a ruling by the 39th Congress and the Supreme Court of Patria that was handed down shortly after the U.S. Supreme Court's Roe v. Wade decision. Nonetheless, the Christian right wing (yes, there are Christian right wingers in Patria), secular social conservatives, and other rightist busybodies still want to ban abortion outright or severely restrict its availability. Yawn. Tired old fight from the last century. To quote the late Canadian Prime Minister Pierre E. Trudeau, "the state has no business in the bedrooms of our nation".

Death Penalty: Another tired old fight from the last century. The death penalty in Patria is outlawed per Article VII of the Constitution of Patria, although theoretically a military court-martial can still impose a death sentence for desertion or treason in time of war. Nonetheless, bringing back the death penalty plays well with the law-and-order right wing, even if they concede that the death penalty has little deterrent value. Of course, the National Union leads the campaign to bring back capital punishment, and every four years the tough-on-crime NU promises public executions by hanging in the town square, or even by beheading. Yes, beheading, though the NU does not specify whether heads would be made to roll by sword, axe or guillotine. (Although France abolished the death penalty in 1981, there is apparently a manufacturer of custom-designed guillotines!)

Drive for 25: Raising the legal drinking age to 25, in order to get drinking out of college campuses and cut down on impaired driving. Another cause that gets dragged out every four years, mainly by teetotaling social conservative busybodies. Patria can only laugh at the U.S. insisting on 21 as the drinking age, given that any 18 year old can legally vote, marry, serve on juries, join the military, and do a whole lot of other adult things.

Gun control: In Patria you hear the same slogans as in Red-State America, e.g. "they can have my gun when they pry it from my cold dead hands", "don't let the liberals take away your guns", "my truck - yes, my wife - maybe, my gun - never", and of course "guns don't kill, people kill". Although there is no equivalent to the U.S. Constitution's "Right to Keep and Bear Arms" Second Amendment in Patria's Constitution, Patria is like Switzerland when it comes to gun ownership and civilian militias. Every adult male citizen in Patria is considered to be a member of the civilian militia and as such, is required to own a rifle (fixed bayonet optional) or 12-gauge shotgun and keep it locked and loaded in a safe place at home! But unlike the U.S., handguns in Patria are severely restricted and are almost impossible to purchase legally. Stealing firearms or using a gun to commit a crime almost always means serious hard time in prison. Furthermore, the rate of homicide and other violent crime is much lower in Patria than National Unionists would have you believe.

War on drugs: The law-and-order types and social conservatives want Patria to step up the so-called war on drugs. But Patria recognizes that the American-led "war on drugs" is as much of a failure as America's "war on booze"of the 1920s, if not a greater failure than Prohibition ever was. In the 2006 Inaugural address, Patria advocated legalization, government regulation and taxation of all recreational drugs from marijuana to crystal meth. And although you can't buy a a rock of coke or a hit of LSD at the local convenience store in Patria, some progress has been made toward legalization and taxation (in Patria, a joint of pot is taxed as heavily as a pack of cigarettes or a bottle of liquor). Unlike in the U.S., drug abuse is considered to be a social not a criminal justice issue.

PosPos or Diet Coke: which side are you on?

During the course of Campaign 2010, the Positive Possibilities movement (known colloquially as "PosPos") has emerged as the leading potential multi-party governing coalition in the 49th Congress. With the staggering array of parties represented in Patria's proportional representation Congress, it is virtually impossible for one party to win a strong plurality (forget about a >50% majority!) of seats. Multi-party coalitions, usually consisting of two major parties plus a number of minor ones, are the rule in Patria, particularly when most bills require a two-thirds majority (yes, the dreaded "super-majority") for passage.

So which parties are backing "PosPos"?

Amrita Party: with PosPos being led by devotees of Amma and being linked to the I AM meditation technique, they're the obvious front-runners.

Chakra Party: as the leading New Age and "no gurus, just right" party, they're in. The Amrita and Chakra Parties would likely be co-leaders of a PosPos coalition.

Green Party: probably, though it's often hard to tell if the Greenies are really into progressive grass-roots movements for change, or are little more than a bunch of old-school economic conservatives and Ayn Rand capitalists disguised as bike-riding Birkenstock-wearing tree-huggers.

Lilith Party: have you ever seen a right-wing or socially conservative lesbian?

Social Democrats: also in as the remnants of Patria's "progressive" old-school liberals and leftists. Where would Patria be without tax & spend, soft-on-crime, bleeding-heart liberals?

SRM: maybe a few of the more moderate SRMers, but generally the SRM's economic nationalism is more attractive to the Diet Coke Party movement. The SRM could be split in two, with some of the party's more liberal caucus joining PosPos, while the Hindu nationalists and economic conservatives - much like the Blue Dog Democrats in the U.S. - sticking with the Diet Coke partyers.

Along with much of the SRM caucus that is behind the 3-S (SATYAGRAHA! SWADESHI! SWARAJ!) take-back-the-economy populism that is taking root in recession-ravaged Patria, the law-and-order National Union and less-government-more-freedom Libertarians are also leading the Diet Coke Party movement.

The Diet Coke party gang also has support from the socially conservative and sex-is-dirty fringe, i.e. the Chastity Party and Family Values Party. The Incel Party caters more to socially inept nerds and may trend toward PosPos.

The Jungle Party is unlikely to go either way. The only positive possibility in the Jungle is to have a take, not suck, and not get run with the manual buzzer. And the Clones in the Jungle tend to prefer Mountain Dew (or Bombay Sapphire) over Diet Coke.

The remaining nutbar, one-trick pony single-issue, and socially inept nerd-catering parties are also unlikely to support either movement. In any case, with only one or two seats in Congress each (if they're lucky enough to get past the proportional representation vote percentage threshold), no one much cares about the Rationalist Party, Reconstruction Party, Freedom Party, Christian Heritage Party, Peoples' Party and the other oddballs that might happen to find their way onto your Precinct's ballot come April 17.