50th Congress winners and losers, remembering "Hurricane" Carter

The real winner in Patria's election is true democracy. Unlike in Canada's nearly useless first-past-the-post, where so many votes are wasted and elect no one, Patria's proportional representation ensures that virtually every party on the ballot will obtain representation in Congress, even if only a single seat.

Although they lost 10 seats from 2010, the Amrita Party can claim victory in Campaign 2014. There will be four more years of "love and serve", four more years of Amma as the Honorable Member from the Precinct of Arboria. The Social Democrats, an old-school liberal-progressive and social justice party that was virtually untouched by the Dharmic Revolution in 1989-90, is arguably the biggest winner of Campaign 2014. With 49 seats in the 50th Congress-elect, up 16 seats from 2010, they are no longer a "mid-major". The SD will be a key ally of the Amrita and Chakra parties, giving the so-called Positive Possibilities coalition the simple 51% majority needed to pass most legislation. Note that Patria's annual budgets and special bills designated as requiring a "super majority" for ratification require a two-thirds majority; consequently the Amrita-Chakra-SD coalition will require support of the some of the smaller parties such as the Greens and Lilith, as well as any SRM or Jungle Party votes they can pry away.

The SRM is back in force, its "Patria first" and "take back the economy" messages resonating well with voters who are still trying to recover from the GED (global economic downturn) of the last decade. The SRM's commitment to traditional Hinduism also got out the votes in Campaign 2014, and will help the more moderate SRMers find common ground with Amrita, and support the PosPos coalition on key legislation. Bipartisan in the US Congress is more like "quadripartisan" or "pentapartisan" in Patria!

The Jungle Party (28 seats, up 7 from 2010) stepped its game up. Jim Rome and the Clones are no longer a niche party. Jim Rome attracts more than unemployed (or unemployable), overweight, socially inept 20 or 30-something men living in their parents' basements or couch-surfing with fellow nerds and getting little pleasure or intellectual stimulation out of life beyond what they hear on the radio for three hours every working day. Rome attracts Patriens from all walks of life who crave a mature, sober voice of in-depth sports talk and hard-hitting social commentary.

The macho he-men of the National Union came up losers in 2014. They have sunk further into irrelevance - from 70 seats in 2006, to only 35 in 2010, and now down to 26, and trailing the Jungle Party, who likely siphoned off some NU voters. National Unionists have only themselves to blame. The image of NU men owning big dogs and portraying cat owners as pussies in every sense of the word did not go over well. Unlike previous campaigns, the NU did not even mention the death penalty or public flogging for petty lawbreakers. Indeed, the NU's traditional law and order "lock 'em up and throw away key" platform took a back seat to the image of the NU man as a pitbull-owning, Marlboro-smoking, Harley-riding alpha male.

The biggest losers are arguably Patria's social conservatives and the tiny evangelical Christian fringe that has been fighting an incredibly losing battle to take Patria back to the 1950s. On the Campaign 2014 trail, support for such social conservative hobby horses as banning public displays of affection by boyfriend-girlfriend couples and advocating "modest" dress for women dwindled to an all-time low. Patria's apparent shift to the left - if the resurgence of the Social Democrats is any evidence of a leftward or liberal trend - also helped put the nails into this particular right-wing coffin. Even the most orthodox SRM Hindus recognize that Patria's streets and public squares are not ashrams and temples, where of course they would frown on couples' kissing and women in short skirts. And of course, two days before election day the Supreme Court bitch-slapped the Bible-toters by overturning Patria's ban on same-sex marriage.

The day after the election, Patria paused to remember Rubin "Hurricane" Carter, the former boxer and advocate for the wrongfully imprisoned, who died at age 76. Carter's boxing career was cut short when he was sentenced to life in prison for a murder he didn't commit. Following his release in 1985 after almost 20 years in the New Jersey State Prison, he took up residence in Canada and established the Association in Defence of the Wrongly Convicted. In the 1970s a song by Bob Dylan drew attention to Carter's case and may have helped expedite his release from prison.

Hurricane - Bob Dylan from LA REVOLUCION ES AHORA! on Vimeo.

Jungle Party: STRAIGHT FIRE!

The Jungle Party of Jim Rome and his faithful army of Clones are campaigning on a very simple platform: Have a take. Don't Suck. Step your game up. Make Patria better. Their main slogan is STRAIGHT FIRE!! (accompanied by the BOOM! of a cannon) to emphasize Rome's hard-hitting, bare-knuckled, take-no-prisoners smack talk and social commentary on what's fucked up with both America and Patria.

The Jungle Party could make the jump from a niche or fringe party to one of the major players in the 50th Congress. Possibly as many as 40 seats could go the Clones' way on April 19. For old-school real men who love their sports and cling to traditional manly values, but who own cats or aren't too fond of pit bulls and other aggressive dogs, the Jungle Party is a better place than the NU to park their votes.

As the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics conclude, with no participation from Patria or any other nations of the micro-world, Patria would be remiss not to congratulate Canada for the gold medal victory in both men's and women's hockey. Congratulations Team Canada! Bravo l'équipe Canada! Now let's defend the gold in the 2018 Winter Games in Pyeongchang - Patria's bicentennial year!

Smack-Off 2013: the Jungle crowns a new King of Smack

Unlike last week's Hack-Off, which was such a bust that it will likely be the last Hack-Off ever, the 19th annual Smack-Off more than lived up to its advance billing. For the Clones (devoted listeners of the Jim Rome Show), the Smack-Off is the highlight of the year or Christmas in June. For the Jungle Party, the Smack-Off is the party caucus for the 2014 election.

The defending 2012 Smack-Off champion Chael Sonnen was unable to repeat. Previous Smack-Off winners such as Vic in NoCal and Brad in Corona couldn't get it done. The new Smack-Off winner - who will almost certainly be near the top of the Jungle Party list on Election Day 2014 and make some noise in the 50th Congress - is a relatively new Jungle fan, who was participating in only his second Smack-Off: Mark in Hollywood.

Top five Smack-Off finishers:

1. Mark in Hollywood
2. Stevie Carbone
3. Vic in NoCal
4. Mike in Indy
5. Chael Sonnen

Others who called: Dave in St. Louis (non-hunter), Dan in DC, Mike in Wichita, Jason in Little Rock, Trapper in Dana Point, Joe in the OC (i.e. Orange County, California), Jason in Fullerton (the former Jungle call screener and talent co-ordinator J-Stew), Brad in Corona and Boatie in Pearland. A number of other legendary callers and former Smack-Off winners such as Doc Mike DiTolla, Terrence in Sierra Madre and Iafrate were notable for their absence. It is possible that some of them tried to call Jim Rome but could not get on the air during the three hours of show time. If the Hack-Off is indeed toast, Patria would like to see the Smack-Off become a two-day event next year. There is more than enough "talent" (using that word loosely) among the Clones to fill six hours of show time.

Hack-Off 2013: no one wins

The 2013 Hack-Off was such a disappointing show that it may be the last one ever. After only four annual editions, Jim Rome is seriously considering killing the Hack-Off for 2014. Several of the best-known and loved Jungle "Hacks" who were invited to participate, such as defending 2012 champion Jolene, did not call. The calls that did make it to air were so uninspiring that apparently no one won the Hack-Off prize of a trip to the Smack-Off and a possible Jungle Party seat in the 50th Congress.

The 2013 gang of Hacks:

• Jason in Ottawa (aka "Star Canadian linebacker") who wanted to be the first caller in and win the thing wire-to-wire, but got the manual buzzer.
• Aaron in Canton
• Lance in Louisville, who attempted a sickly parody of a Neil Sedaka song!
• Ish in Memphis
• Jesus in Chicago
• Casey in Pensacola
• Ryan in Wichita
• Alex in Salt Lake
• Eddie in Boise, who is actually the raison d'être for the Hack-Off, aka the "Eddie in Boise Invitational".
• Fabian in LA

The best that can be said about the Hack-Off was that it got the hashtag #ValKilmer to trend on Twitter.

Listen to 2013 Hack-Off (may require Jungle Insider subscription).

2013 Hack-Off and Smack-Off

Jungle Party house leader Jim Rome announced that the 5th annual Hack-Off and 19th annual Smack-Off will air on June 7 and June 14 respectively. The Smack-Off is an annual competition in which select listeners are invited to provide their best “Smack Talk.” The contest, controversially won in 2012 by MMA fighter Chael Sonnen, is a way to recognize the best callers to the show, as well as a means of determining the best caller of the year. Participants in this year's Smack-Off will appear on the Jungle Party list for Patria's 2014 election and will be awarded seats in the 50th Congress according to the percentage of the Jungle Party's popular vote on election day, April 19, 2014.

One week before the Smack-Off, the Hack-Off takes place: the annual competition between the worst of the worst Jim Rome Show callers. The winner of the Hack-Off, i.e. the "best of the worst" wins an automatic berth in the Smack-Off.

Will Chael Sonnen defend his "King of Smack" title? Will the Hack-Off winner make it to the end of his or her Smack-Off call without getting the manual buzzer? Will past Smack-Off winners such as Vic in NoCal, Iafrate, Brad in Corona and Jeff in Richmond come strong and show that they have enough game to win seats in the 50th Congress? Tune in to PMBC-1152 and your local CBS Sports Network affiliate on Friday, June 14 from 9:00 AM to noon Pacific time, noon to 3:00 PM Eastern time, or 1600 to 1900 UTC.

J-Stew leaves the Jungle

Jim Rome's legendary Jungle sidekick Jason Stewart (aka "J-Stew", "Mr. Automatic") announced his resignation from the Jungle as of March 8, in order to pursue other as-yet undisclosed interests. A graduate of Cal State Fullerton, J-Stew has a number of appearances on made-for-TV movies on his résumé, but his best known role was as a contestant on the reality TV series Blind Date. From humble beginnings as a listener and caller on the Jim Rome show circa 1995, J-Stew's reputation soon grew and Jim Rome took him on as the Jungle's call screener and "booker" (responsible for finding and scheduling the many sports personalities who gained Jungle Karma by being interviewed on the show). His official job title for the latter role was "Talent Coordinator". As the Jungle's call screener, his was the first voice a potential caller would hear on 1-800-636-8686. And often the last voice if the unfortunate schmuck's take was too weak or sucked too much to make it to air with Jim Rome.

J-Stew was a member of the Jungle Party caucus in Patria's Congress. But his seat will be up for grabs in 2014.

A tribute song to J-Stew, by a Houston, TX garage band called Three Day Weekend has been a Jungle favorite from the first time it aired in 2005.



Follow J-Stew on Twitter.

Mohrriors and Clones go head-to-head

 Jay Mohr, the one-time protégé of Jim Rome and occasional guest host of Rome's Jungle show, is now hosting Jay Mohr Sports head-to-head on the radio with Jim Rome in the Monday-Friday 12 noon - 3 PM time slot. In Castoropolis and Caesarea, Mohr can be heard on PHN-1251 a sports talk station whose signal does not have nearly the punch as Patria's Jim Rome flagship PMBC-1152.

Jay Mohr's listeners have been dubbed "Mohrriors". While Rome tries to be funny, Mohr's background is actually as a comedian rather than a sports talker. It remains to be seen whether Mohr can motivate his Patrienish fan base into a political force in Patria's 2014 election. With Campaign 2014 still about a year away from ramping up (election day is April 19, 2014), don't bet against the Mohrriors winning a few seats in the 50th Congress, perhaps at the expense of the Jungle Party.

Other AM radio bits in Patria's capital city: PMC-846 counters Rome and Mohr with local sports talk. They're still the top-rated station in Castoropolis, thanks to full-service local news, public affairs programming and in-depth sports talk about the Castoropolis Centurions, Senators, Capitals, and the All-Patria Football Federation. POKX-648, once the "Nifty 650" Top 40 blowtorch, spew out right wing talk, including Rush Limbaugh (also in the weekday afternoon slot in case Rome and Mohr aren't your thing).

Jungle Party's Jim Rome moves to new US network

As of Jan. 2, 2013, Jungle Party house leader Jim Rome will move his "Jungle" weekday radio show from Premiere Radio Networks, where the program had been syndicated since the 1990s, to CBS Sports Radio. Your US affiliate may change. But in Patria, the Jungle will continue on PMBC, 1152 kHz in Castoropolis, Patria's leading sports talk station.