50th Congress campaign in a Batman meme nutshell

Social conservatives got bitch-slapped during Patria's 2014 election campaign! "Modest dress for women" had been a tired old icon in Patria for decades. Two days before election day, the Supreme Court of Patria threw out the ban on same-sex marriage.

50th Congress winners and losers, remembering "Hurricane" Carter

The real winner in Patria's election is true democracy. Unlike in Canada's nearly useless first-past-the-post, where so many votes are wasted and elect no one, Patria's proportional representation ensures that virtually every party on the ballot will obtain representation in Congress, even if only a single seat.

Although they lost 10 seats from 2010, the Amrita Party can claim victory in Campaign 2014. There will be four more years of "love and serve", four more years of Amma as the Honorable Member from the Precinct of Arboria. The Social Democrats, an old-school liberal-progressive and social justice party that was virtually untouched by the Dharmic Revolution in 1989-90, is arguably the biggest winner of Campaign 2014. With 49 seats in the 50th Congress-elect, up 16 seats from 2010, they are no longer a "mid-major". The SD will be a key ally of the Amrita and Chakra parties, giving the so-called Positive Possibilities coalition the simple 51% majority needed to pass most legislation. Note that Patria's annual budgets and special bills designated as requiring a "super majority" for ratification require a two-thirds majority; consequently the Amrita-Chakra-SD coalition will require support of the some of the smaller parties such as the Greens and Lilith, as well as any SRM or Jungle Party votes they can pry away.

The SRM is back in force, its "Patria first" and "take back the economy" messages resonating well with voters who are still trying to recover from the GED (global economic downturn) of the last decade. The SRM's commitment to traditional Hinduism also got out the votes in Campaign 2014, and will help the more moderate SRMers find common ground with Amrita, and support the PosPos coalition on key legislation. Bipartisan in the US Congress is more like "quadripartisan" or "pentapartisan" in Patria!

The Jungle Party (28 seats, up 7 from 2010) stepped its game up. Jim Rome and the Clones are no longer a niche party. Jim Rome attracts more than unemployed (or unemployable), overweight, socially inept 20 or 30-something men living in their parents' basements or couch-surfing with fellow nerds and getting little pleasure or intellectual stimulation out of life beyond what they hear on the radio for three hours every working day. Rome attracts Patriens from all walks of life who crave a mature, sober voice of in-depth sports talk and hard-hitting social commentary.

The macho he-men of the National Union came up losers in 2014. They have sunk further into irrelevance - from 70 seats in 2006, to only 35 in 2010, and now down to 26, and trailing the Jungle Party, who likely siphoned off some NU voters. National Unionists have only themselves to blame. The image of NU men owning big dogs and portraying cat owners as pussies in every sense of the word did not go over well. Unlike previous campaigns, the NU did not even mention the death penalty or public flogging for petty lawbreakers. Indeed, the NU's traditional law and order "lock 'em up and throw away key" platform took a back seat to the image of the NU man as a pitbull-owning, Marlboro-smoking, Harley-riding alpha male.

The biggest losers are arguably Patria's social conservatives and the tiny evangelical Christian fringe that has been fighting an incredibly losing battle to take Patria back to the 1950s. On the Campaign 2014 trail, support for such social conservative hobby horses as banning public displays of affection by boyfriend-girlfriend couples and advocating "modest" dress for women dwindled to an all-time low. Patria's apparent shift to the left - if the resurgence of the Social Democrats is any evidence of a leftward or liberal trend - also helped put the nails into this particular right-wing coffin. Even the most orthodox SRM Hindus recognize that Patria's streets and public squares are not ashrams and temples, where of course they would frown on couples' kissing and women in short skirts. And of course, two days before election day the Supreme Court bitch-slapped the Bible-toters by overturning Patria's ban on same-sex marriage.

The day after the election, Patria paused to remember Rubin "Hurricane" Carter, the former boxer and advocate for the wrongfully imprisoned, who died at age 76. Carter's boxing career was cut short when he was sentenced to life in prison for a murder he didn't commit. Following his release in 1985 after almost 20 years in the New Jersey State Prison, he took up residence in Canada and established the Association in Defence of the Wrongly Convicted. In the 1970s a song by Bob Dylan drew attention to Carter's case and may have helped expedite his release from prison.

Hurricane - Bob Dylan from LA REVOLUCION ES AHORA! on Vimeo.

Patria Votes 2014: your new 50th Congress-elect

After all-night vote counting in the Federal District and Caesarea, final election returns for all of Patria were not available until early Sunday morning. Note that the following party allocations in the 333-seat Congressus Patriaë are tentative, pending judicial re-counts in some precincts. One or two seats could change hands.

Amrita Party : 68 [-10] 20.4%

Chakra Party : 59 [-4] 17.7%

SRM: 55 [+5] 16.5%

Social Democrats: 49 [+16] 14.7%

Jungle Party: 28 [+7] 8.4%

National Union: 26 [-9] 7.8%

Green Party: 13 [-5] 3.9%

Libertarian Party: 7 [-1]

Lilith Party: 7 [unchanged]

Chastity Party: 3 [unchanged]

Incel Party: 2 [-3]

Family Values Party: 2 [unchanged]

Victory and Peace Party: 2 [+1]

Reconstruction Party: 2 [+1]

Peoples' Party: 2 [+1]

One seat each: Freedom Party, Progressive Labor Centralia, Popular Front of Pottsylvania, Lazurian Independent Party, United Farmers of Arboria, Mauretanians United for Faith and Freedom (MUFF), Patriots Union of Nova Columbia (PUNC), Pottsylvanian Alliance.

The +/- change in seats from 2010 is noted in [ ]'s. The percentage of popular vote is also noted, for parties that scored seats in double figures. Including the single-seat "party of ones", a whopping 23 parties are represented in the 50th Congress-elect.

Following the Patriot's Day holiday on Monday, April 21, the 49th Congress will re-convene for its traditional lame duck session. The first act of the lame duck session is to certify the election returns. The last act is to ratify Patria's fiscal 2015 budget.

End of the road for 50th Congress campaign trail

Patria's marathon 2014 election campaign - almost as long as a US presidential election or the race for Mayor of Toronto - ends at 11:59 PM local Patria time tonight. By law, all campaigning and electioneering must end at one midnight before midnight on election day eve.

On the last day of Campaign 2014, the Chastity Party, Family Values Party and the rest of Patria's social conservative contingent are reeling from the Supreme Court's decision that legalized same-sex marriage in Patria. But apart from the usual tired old slogans ("healthy, happy, heterosexual", "look to the right", "throw the liberals out", "forward to the 1950s"), there is virtually no fight left in these right-wing busybodies and US Republican wannabes. They have all but conceded defeat on the gay marriage issue. Their hoary old "Patria must be a safe place for social conservatives" mantra has sputtered out and is roadkill on the 2014 campaign trail. Although a lot of hot air has been expended over the past four years advocating a ban on public displays of affection by couples and modest dress for women, as Campaign 2014 entered the home stretch there has been little support for such measures in the new administration. Indeed, Patria is not Gilead.

The major parties spent the last full day of the election campaign getting out the vote and shoring up support in the so-called battleground precincts. The SRM, Amrita and Chakra parties, as well as the Greens, campaigned hard in Caesarea and the Federal District of Castoropolis, where 99 seats are up for grabs. Amrita also campaigned heavily in Arboria, Amma's home precinct in Patria, where the Amrita Party is facing a major challenge from the old-school Hindu SRM. The Social Democrats focused on prying votes away from the "take back the economy" SRM in Centralia, Aeolia and Nova Columbia - Patria's rust belt, which was hit hard by the 2008-09 recession and still has not recovered. The National Union's macho men and big dogs campaigned for support in the mid-major precincts of Aeolia, Antioch, Ambrosia (the "triple A precincts"), Mauretania, Lazuria as well as the Caesarea suburbs of Castoropolis. The Jungle Party held its rally in downtown Castoropolis, at the studios of PMBC-1152, the flagship station of the Jim Rome Show.

Since pre-election polls are officially banned in Patria, neither the news media or any party have any real idea of which party is the front-runner or how many seats a party is likely to win. The vote amounts to 14 crap-shoots in the 13 precincts and the Federal District of Castoropolis. The difference between democracy and feudalism: in democracy your vote counts, in feudalism your count votes!

A plethora of parties: who's on your 50th Congress ballot?

As Patria's 50th Congress election ballots are locked and loaded (advance and mail-in polls are already taking place), voters will be presented with a staggering array of parties to choose from. Unlike only two major parties in the USA, three in the UK and Canada (four including le Bloc Québecois), there will be at least 15 parties on the ballot when Patria votes on April 19:

• Amrita Party
• Chakra Party
• Chastity Party
• Family Values Party
• Freedom Party
• Green Party
• Incel Party
• Jungle Party
• Libertarian Party
• Lilith Party
• National Union
• Reconstructionist Party
• Social Democrats
• SRM
• Victory and Peace Party

And that's not all. Additional parties may be found on the ballots of certain precincts: Peoples' Party (FDC, Casearea, Nova Columbia), Rationalist Party (FDC, Caesarea, Nova Columbia, Lazuria), Christian Heritage Party (Caesarea, Antioch), Lazurian Independent Party (Lazuria), Popular Front (Pottsylvania), Party for Personal Responsibility (Caesarea), New Age Centralia (Centralia). If you would rather vote "None of the above"? There's always the trusty "write in" space on the ballot!

Election day in Afghanistan as Patria's ballots are printed

As millions of Afghans defied the Taliban's death threats to vote in elections that would choose a successor to retiring president Hamid Karzai, US Secretary of State John Kerry said the "vote demonstrates how committed the Afghan people are to protecting and advancing their democracy." He added that the United States "remains ready to work with the next president of Afghanistan." The voter turnout was so high that some polling stations ran out of ballots.

Riding on a donkey, Patria's 50th Congress ballot papers are on their way!

Meanwhile in Patria, there are less than two weeks remaining in the 50th Congress election campaign. All the parties, from the mighty Amrita, SRM, Chakra and NU to the one-seater nutbars are hitting the hustings hard for the final push toward April 19. The ballots with as many as 23 parties to choose from (your choices may vary depending on your Precinct) have been printed and are in the process of being delivered to polling stations across Patria. Most will arrive by truck, but in some remote areas of Patria, as in Afghanistan, the ballots and ballot boxes will be transported by the symbol of the US Democratic Party - the trusty donkey!

Defending dharma: SRM and Amrita Party pledge to protect Patria's Hindu legacy

Inspired by a recent Hindu rally held in Amma's Indian home state of Kerala, the SRM and Amrita Party joined forces to organize a "Defend Dharma" rally in Vanarpuri (Forest City), the capital of Amma's adopted Patrienish precinct of Arboria. With a mere three weeks remaining on the campaign trail until election day, supporters of the SRM's call of "Patria first" and the Amrita Party's promise of "four more years of Mother's love" pledged to unite against the injustice, unrighteousness and discrimination plaguing society, to defend Patria's Hindu legacy and to take up the fight to protect Dharma in the 50th Congress as each of their life’s vow. Sri Vishvesha Tirtha, the 32nd pontiff of the Pejavara Math of the lineage of Sri Madhvacharya lit the lamp and proclaimed the time has come to unite to protect Sanatana Dharma. In his inaugural address, Swami said Hindu Acharayas (Teachers) should unitedly fight against the attack on Amma and the Amritananadamayi Math in the wake of the allegations contained in Holy Hell, the hug-and-tell book recently published by Amma's former chief of staff Gail (Gayatri) Tredwell. "Patria is united under a single flag - the saffron flag of Hindu Dharma, side by side with the red, white and blue national flag".

Patria is not Gilead: Social Democrats

In one of the strongest condemnations yet on the 50th Congress campaign trail, the Social Democrats denounced Patria's social conservative rump:

Patria is not Gilead. Patria is not, and will never be, a Christian theocracy. The Family Values and Chastity Parties cannot be allowed to be the tail wagging the socially liberal, Sanatan Dharma-based dog. Patria must move forward into the 2010s, not be dragged back to the 1950s. There is a reason why Family Values and Chastity parties hold only five seats in the 49th Congress and are not likely to win many more in the 50th: the voters of Patria are not buying your tired old "safe place for social conservatives" schtick. Patria is not willing to enforce "modest" dress codes on women or ban couples from kissing in public. There is no political will anywhere in Patria to criminalize abortion, homosexuality, pre-marital or extra-marital sex. Check your social mores at the door when you leave your church.

The Social Democrats are a traditional tax-and-spend liberal, left-leaning social democratic party, like the Democrats in the US or NDP in Canada. With 33 seats in the 49th Congress, they are more than a small niche party but not quite a major player like the SRM, Amrita or Chakra Parties. To use the NCAA March Madness terminology, the SD would be a mid-major party. And as college basketball fans know, Mid-Majors can make some noise in March.

Vatican plot against Amma?

Four more years for Amma? Not if the Vatican has anything to say about it!

As if Amma and the Amrita Party don't have to campaign hard enough in order to fight off the challenge of the macho National Union, and to forge sometimes uneasy alliances with the new-agey Chakra Party, old-school liberal Social Democrats, Jim Rome's Jungle Party clones, and even some of the moderate elements of the hard-core Hinduism-cum-economic patriotism SRM, they are now dealing with rumors that Opus Dei (in cahoots with the Vatican) is launching a campaign to discredit Amma.

Vishwa Hindu Parishad (VHP) International president Ashok Singhal on Friday [March 14] alleged that a secret agency under the Vatican Government was behind launching the malicious campaign against Mata Amritanandamayi and her Math. He told a news conference here that Mata was not only one of the top spiritual leaders of the country but a great spiritual figure venerated across the globe as well.

‘’There is a conspiracy against our mahatmas, sages and saints. Jihadi elements and fundamentalist forces have launched a malicious campaign. Some Communist organisations also feel satisfied in tarnishing Hindu spiritual leaders whenever they get an opportunity,’’ he said.

He urged the television channels in Kerala, especially the ones under the control of the jihadi elements and fundamentalist forces and the Left, to refrain from maligning Hindu spiritual leaders.

Whether in India or Patria, haters be hatin'. Particularly when it's election time!

Can Patria win the culture wars?

Pat Buchanan, patron saint of conservative culture warriors.

The so-called culture war - the battle between those values considered traditionalist or conservative and those considered progressive or liberal - is another battle front on Patria's 2014 campaign trail. Speaking at the 1992 Republican national convention, Pat Buchanan claimed that "there is a religious war going on in our country for the soul of America. It is a cultural war, as critical to the kind of nation we will one day be as was the Cold War itself." There is no lack of Buchanan paleo-conservatives in Patria who believe that old-school social conservative values such as opposition to feminism, homosexuality and abortion rights are endangered or simply no longer exist in Patria. But social conservatism in Patria goes beyond those right-wing talking points and hobby horses usually expounded by Republicans, whether mainstream GOP or Tea Party. Making Patria "a safe place for social conservatives" runs the gamut of throwing men in jail for patronizing prostitutes, agitating against pre-marital sex, returning to "1950s values" (whatever they were), imposing "modest" dress codes on women and banning public displays of affection between heterosexual couples. Same-sex couples too for that matter!

As Campaign 2014 moves into its final month, the "safe place for social conservatives" campaign appears to be running out of steam. The Supreme Court of Patria could overturn Patria's ban on gay marriage before election day or during the pre-inauguration transition. The death penalty, so beloved of right-wing law-and-order types, has barely registered on the 2014 campaign trail. Even the National Union is not wasting campaign time on bringing back the death penalty (as recently as 2010 the NU was promising to bring back public executions). Modest dress for women, presumably similar to what is on the books at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University, seems like something one might expect in a Christian theocracy, as if traditional Hindu women's attire such as a sari isn't modest enough. There is virtually no proof that the ban on public displays of kissing, necking and other displays of affection will help make Aspies, 40 year old virgins and other socially inept nerds feel more comfortable and safe on the streets of Patria.

Patria may be proudly politically incorrect, but it is not a Christian theocracy or a US Republican's wet dream, despite the best efforts of minor niche parties like the Chastity and Family Values Party.

"March surprise" as Congress takes pre-election break?

 In the US presidential election, which takes place in early November, an "October surprise" is news event deliberately created by the Republicans or Democrats in order to influence the election's outcome, such as rumors of a last-minute deal to end the Vietnam war in 1968 or to release the Iranian hostages in 1980. In Patria, with many more parties than America's bipolar political world, there is the potential for several March surprises. But they rarely happen on Patria's campaign trail. If there is to be a "March surprise" in 2014, rumors are swirling around the gay village in downtown Castoropolis that the Supreme Court of Patria could rule in favor of same-sex marriage, as a number of US states' laws against gay marriage have been overturned (even Bible Belt conservative Republican red states like Texas). If Patria's ban on gay marriage is found unconstitutional a month before election time, it would be quite a slap in the face to all those in the Chastity Party, Family Values Party and the Hindu right wing who have been repeating the same mantra election cycle after election cycle: Patria must remain a "safe place for social conservatives".

With six weeks and change until election day, the Fourth Session, 49th Congress (4·XLIX 2013-14) has adjourned for the traditional pre-election home stretch in order to allow members of Congress to campaign in their home precincts. Congress will re-convene a few days after April 19 for the also traditional lame-duck session that will adjourn sine die just as the workers finish building the platform on the Capitol stairs for the oath of office ceremony and the reviewing stands for the inaugural parade on June 30. The last item on the 49th Congress order paper is to ratify Patria's fiscal 2014-15 budget.

Holy Hell on the Amrita campaign trail

While on the Amrita Party campaign trail, Amma took some time to respond to the allegations contained in Gail "Gayatri" Tredwell 's self-published book Holy Hell: a Memoir of Faith, Devotion and Pure Madness.  A native of Australia, Ms. Tredwell spent almost two decades as Amma's closest disciple and effectively her chief of staff before suddenly leaving the Amma organization in 1999. The book alleges that as Amma's organization morphed from a traditional Hindu-based ashram into a multi-national business empire, incredible financial improprieties took place under Amma's nose or with Amma's explicit approval - socking away millions of dollars (or crores of rupees) in foreign bank accounts, little of the donations by western devotees actually going to Amma's charitable activities and failure to file financial records as required by law. Ms. Tredwell also claims that Amma was physically and/or emotionally abusive toward her and other devotees and that sexual abuse took place involving Amma's chief swami and possibly even Amma herself.

Amma's remarks were, of course, made in her native Malayalam. The following is a summary of what the Amrita Party house leader said in the above clip.

Amma’s Response to the Allegations Against the Mata Amritanandamayi Math
[Said by Amma during her Brahmasthanam Festival, Puthur, Palakkad – 22nd February 2014]

“Every year the Ashram [The Mata Amritanandamayi Math] submits its accounts without fail. Every thing is being done as required. Some people are now trying to create misunderstandings, making various claims and misinterpretations. If we had the millions that they allege, I would have already wiped out poverty, both in India and throughout the world. That is my desire. No religion or any specific community donates to the Ashram, nor do we collect any membership fees. What we have is only because of my children’s self-sacrifice.

“This is an organization that does service. It’s an organization that helps people to cultivate service-mindedness. After the earthquake in Gujarat [2001], the Ashram reconstructed three villages there. Now, when the Ashram builds houses for the poor after disasters like the tsunami, even people 85 and 90 years old come from those villages to offer their service.

“Whatever be a person’s level of comprehension, whatever be his perspective—he will believe that alone to be right. This is the way most people think. We have sight, but lack insight—this is the situation we are seeing now. I have never asked anyone to serve me. I am serving everyone. I am simply a mother serving my children. We are not stealing or begging from anyone. Nor is anyone sitting idle; we are working hard and serving others. I only eat once a day. On some days, I may not eat at all. Regardless, every single day, I sit for hours on end and meet the devotees. Back in my room, I read hundreds of letters sent to me from all over the world. There are institutions to manage. I lead the children in meditation and give question-and-answer sessions. Here, no one sits idle. I have no hesitation to do any kind of work.

“I am not blaming anyone. I am just speaking about my children’s self-sacrifice and surrender. Because of that, we have been able to accomplish various things. Many people are making allegations, but none of these people are coming down to help society. That’s sad. Amma doesn’t ask anyone to believe in God. ‘Does God exist?’ is not the question. ‘Do suffering people exist?’ That is the question. ‘How can we relieve their suffering?’ Amma is ready to come forward and wash the feet of anyone who puts in sincere effort to that end.

“This Ashram is a centre of peace. I put my faith in self-surrender, selfless service and love. This is what I am teaching my children. I am an open book. All the rumours that are being spread are untrue. Because certain desires of theirs went unfulfilled, they have started making all sorts of allegations. Someone, somewhere, with an agenda is trying to stir up religious conflicts, making people fight each other, trying to start a war. My prayer is that goodness fills up everyone’s hearts and that everyone’s mind becomes filled with virtue. My children, please pray that you develop the strength to forgive and forget. Within and without, there is agitation. I don’t know where we are headed. May everyone’s mind be filled with only virtuous thoughts.”

Unfortunately, Amma had to take some time away from her mission of love and service to the world (and getting re-elected in Patria) to respond to this garbage. It should be noted that Ms. Tredwell's book is not exactly a best-seller. By one account, she has sold only a few hundred copies, not including pirated editions and unauthorized Malayalam translations in Amma's home Indian state of Kerala.

Jungle Party: STRAIGHT FIRE!

The Jungle Party of Jim Rome and his faithful army of Clones are campaigning on a very simple platform: Have a take. Don't Suck. Step your game up. Make Patria better. Their main slogan is STRAIGHT FIRE!! (accompanied by the BOOM! of a cannon) to emphasize Rome's hard-hitting, bare-knuckled, take-no-prisoners smack talk and social commentary on what's fucked up with both America and Patria.

The Jungle Party could make the jump from a niche or fringe party to one of the major players in the 50th Congress. Possibly as many as 40 seats could go the Clones' way on April 19. For old-school real men who love their sports and cling to traditional manly values, but who own cats or aren't too fond of pit bulls and other aggressive dogs, the Jungle Party is a better place than the NU to park their votes.

As the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics conclude, with no participation from Patria or any other nations of the micro-world, Patria would be remiss not to congratulate Canada for the gold medal victory in both men's and women's hockey. Congratulations Team Canada! Bravo l'équipe Canada! Now let's defend the gold in the 2018 Winter Games in Pyeongchang - Patria's bicentennial year!

Amrita Party: four more years of Amma's hugs

The Amrita Party is campaigning hard to win a fourth term for Amma and to hold on to their 78 seats in the 50th Congress - including the seat actually held by Amma in the precinct of Arboria. There are no polls in Patria, but rumor/pre-election scuttlebutt has it that the Amrita Party, which holds the most seats in the 49th Congress, could lose as many as half of them on April 19. They have been running a very low-key campaign thus far in 2014, with uninspiring slogans like "Embracing Patria" and "love and serve", and have not been able to effectively counter the SRM's "Patria first" and "take back the economy" messages. Patria's economy has been circling the drain pretty much since 2010. The past four years still feel like a recession thanks to offshoring, outsourcing, globalism and the proliferation of made-in-China consumer goods. Patria's unemployment rate is well into the double digits - virtually unchanged since the depths of the 2008-09 Great Recession - and the underemployment rate is probably around 50%. SRMers know that not even Amma's hugs can fix a broken economy.

Chakra party: no gurus, just right

Once again the Chakra Party is targeting the usual amalgam of liberals, leftists, new-agers, hippies, vegetarians, vegans, yogis and yoginis. Not to mention siphoning some Hindu votes away from the SRM and Amrita Party. The Chakra Party's "no gurus, just right" slogan helps draw votes away from the latter. Mainly because of the Chakras, an old-line "progressive" party like the Social Democrats can't seem to get much traction.

National Union: pitbulls not pussycats

The Marlboro Cowboy rides again in NU country!

Once again in 2014 the National Unionists are trotting out all the usual stereotypical macho, he-man tropes: strict discipline, respect for authority, law and order, where a man belongs, boys to men, forged in the fire, and of course NATIONAL UNION TOUGH. Since the 1980s, National Unionists have been slagging women, liberals, soft-on-crime bleeding hearts and effeminate men (regardless of sexual orientation). Now they've targeted a new enemy: cat owners. Yes, cats are unmanly! According to the NU, real men own big dogs like pit bulls and rottweilers. Typical NU anti-cat slogans: BIG DOGS FOR TOUGH MEN. SEPARATING THE REAL MEN FROM THE PUSSYCATS.

Watch it, National Union men. This campaign could backfire on April 19. Don't piss off cat owners! Have you ever tried to herd cats? It's a lot tougher to be a catboy than a cowboy!

Keeping Patria safe for social conservatives

One of the most frequently-heard phrases on the Campaign 2014 trail is that Patria must be "a safe place for social conservatives". The call for social conservatism was referenced in the 2010 Inaugural address:

Patria must be made a safe place for social conservatives, and for those whose involuntary celibacy due to autism spectrum disorders has also rendered them involuntarily socially conservative.  Out of compassion for those who are unable to experience intimate relationships due to Asperger syndrome and other social impairments, and out of respect for those who have taken vows of celibacy in order to advance their spiritual growth, Patria must remain committed to modeling the values of chastity, advocating modesty in women’s dress, and avoiding public displays of affection by couples.

The point was driven home again in the 2012 annual message to Congress:

Patria’s social conservative values do not particularly include those shibboleths so dear to Republicans in the US and right-wingers generally such as outlawing abortion – that tired old horse left the barn in 1973 – or banning gay marriages, or limiting grade school sex education classes to abstinence only. Patria’s social conservative values, however, do include modest dress for women. In Patria we believe women should dress with the dignity worthy of visiting a temple or tirtha [place of pilgrimage, e.g. Kayavarohan]. Though not by passing of legislation mandating formal dress codes such as in Iran, Patria will nonetheless continue to insist that women and girls avoid dressing like sluts and tempting men into violence and unwanted sexual advances, or at least luring men to believe that they are fair game. Patria will continue to advocate social conservative values in order to make this realm a safe place and a comfort zone for those men who chose to practice lifelong celibacy through monastic vows or those who have had celibacy thrust upon them by lacking in National Union-style traditional male macho or by being on the autistic spectrum and never being able to experience an intimate relationship. Patria commits itself to creating a safe community for such introverted, sensitive, socially lacking men in the remaining two years of this Congress.

Yes, Aspies and socially inept 40-year-old virgins, Patria is doing this for you!

The Chastity, Family Values and Incel parties hold only a few seats in Congress, and are unlikely to increase their representation after April 19, but they're punching above their weight when it comes to channelling right-wing fundamentalist Christianity and imposing 1950s - if not Victorian-era - social mores on Patria.

SRM plays the Ramayan card

The SRM is using scenes from the Ramayana (particularly images of Hanuman) in order to get its Patria-first economic protectionism and bring-the-jobs-home points across. In the words of the SRM's most recent paid political broadcast announcement: Patria's economy is Sita. Globalism is Ravana. Offshoring/outsourcing/made-in-China is Lanka. The SRM is Hanuman!

If you know the story line of the Ramayan, it will make sense. Patria will have this mix of Hinduism and economic jingoism shoved down its collective throats between now and April 19. In the meantime, if you have a lot of free time to kill, you can read a complete public domain translation of the Ramayana.

Battleground precincts

In the US presidential election, one often finds references to "battleground states": states with a fair chunk of electoral votes that are too close to call and could swing either Republican or Democrat. Likewise, in Patria there are a number of "battleground precincts".

Fredonia (9 seats): With only nine seats up for grabs, Patria's smallest precinct has the highest threshold percentage of votes required in order for parties to obtain seats in Congress. But it can often serve as a bellwether for the rest of Patria. Like the little town of Dixville Notch, New Hampshire, the little precinct of Fredonia is always the first to report its election returns.

Arboria (21 seats): Amma's adopted home precinct in Patria is not necessarily a slam-dunk for the Amrita Party.

Centralia (25 seats): SRM's "take back the economy" message will play well in the heart of Patria's de-industralized rust belt, amid the shuttered factories and offshored jobs.

Nova Columbia (36 seats): Like Centralia, also hit hard by the recession. A good stomping ground for both the National Union and SRM, with many unemployed voters going for the liberal Social Democrats.

Pottsylvania (13 seats): A maverick tradition of local fringe or nutbar parties that are virtually unknown in the rest of Patria winning a seat or two. Popular Front of Pottsylvania, anyone?

Caesarea (61 seats), Federal District of Castoropolis (38 seats): With a total of 99 seats between them, the capital and its surrounding precinct represent the biggest block of seats - almost one third of Patria's 333-seat Congress. Like New York state and California, Caesarea and FDC are the two biggest prizes for any party.

Campaign 2014: party like it's 2010

With 100 days to go until election day on April 19, the 2014 election campaign seems to be playing out like 2010 all over again. Virtually all of the parties are drawing on the same slogans, talking points, campaign promises and hot-button issues as at this time four years ago. The SRM is still playing the "Patria first/take back the economy" card along with the usual dose of old-school Hinduism. Tough-as-nails macho National Unionists still call for "law and order" and "separating the real men from the pussycats". The Amrita Party is all about "Embracing Patria" with four more years of Amma. The new-agey Chakra Party continues to "Inquire within" where there are "no gurus just right". Social Democrats are still "Patria's progressive voice". Greens are all for a "sustainable Patria". Libertarians are once again clamoring for "less government, more freedom". The Chastity Party and Family Values Party are once again two sides of the same "roll back the clock to the 1950s" coin. One of the few new slogans for 2014 comes from the Jungle Party: STRAIGHT FIRE! This is a reference to Jim Rome's take-no-prisoners approach to bare-knuckled hard-hitting sports talk and social commentary. But for the most part, even the Jungle's "have a take, don't suck" clones are talking the same smack as in 2010.

Over the next hundred days there is still the chance that a new party will enter the race: a fringe party that manages to win a seat or two, or a true grass-roots populist party that comes out of nowhere to win a fair chunk of seats. The last time that Patria experienced the latter was 20 years ago when the Patriot's Party (RAISE THE FLAG! RAISE YOUR FIST! RISE UP!) won 33 seats in the 45th Congress - almost 10% of popular vote in 1994 - but was virtually defunct by 2002.