Patria Post's 2013 Christmas stamp

Patria Post's traditional Christmas stamp was issued earlier this month. As with most Patrienish stamps, it is a "forever" stamp with no rupee denomination; the "1" simply represents the standard first-class rate. The cost of mailing a letter in Patria is expected to jump by a couple of rupees in early 2014. But the legislation authorizing the postal rate hikes is being filibustered in Congress and may not take effect before the pre-election recess in March.

Jail for johns campaign ramps up again

THEY BOUGHT SEX FROM PROSTITUTES!

While the Supreme Court of Canada struck down that country's anti-prostitution laws (prohibiting brothels, living off the avails of prostitution, etc.) in Patria the war against hookers is waged on another front: their customers or "johns". For many years, Patria has been publicly ridiculing these perverted losers who buy sex from prostitutes, shaming them on The John Show, one of the more popular programs on Doordarshan Ramrajya. Periodically a "Jail for Johns" campaign is launched, in which unsuspecting johns are arrested - often by policewomen disguised as prostitutes - summarily tried, convicted and sentenced to years of hard time. Five years in prison is not unusual as a minimum sentence, and even a life sentence for a third-time offender has been handed out under the "three strikes you're out" provision so beloved in much of Red-State America. In late 2013, bowing to re-election pressure from the National Union caucus (particularly in hard-core NU areas such as the suburbs of Castoropolis), yet another such campaign has been launched.

Ostensibly the "Jail for Johns" campaign attempts to put prostitutes out of business by taking their customers off the streets. But it also helps fill Patria's prisons and create jobs for guards, wardens and other correctional workers. Yes, there is a "Prison Industrial Complex" in Patria. But because so many Patrienish citizens have done so much yoga and absorbed so many teachings of non-violence, there are not enough murderers, rapists and other violent criminals behind bars to prevent prisons from being closed and guards getting pink-slipped. There is even a shortage of banksters and white-collar crooks. Someone has to make those Patrienish license plates.

As in Canada, prostitution is not illegal per se in Patria. But virtually everything relating to prostitution is. Patronizing prostitutes is not just a petty crime, but a felony that will send a lot of luckless men to the Big House when the National Union gets its law-and-order hands on the police blotters. BUY SEX, GO TO JAIL is now a popular slogan along with the usual election campaign hot air. #jailforjohns is another hashtag seen @Patriavotes2014.

50th Congress slogan-o-rama

As Patria's 2014 election campaign enters the home stretch ("home stretch" being defined as when the calendar actually flips to 2014), the following are some of the party slogans you will be hearing on broadcast media, reading in newspapers and print media, or seeing on billboards and transit vehicles:

Amrita Party: Embracing Patria, Four more years of Mother's love, Love and serve.

Chakra Party: No gurus just right, Transformation not transcendence, Real change begins within.

SRM: Take back the economy, Patria first Patria best, Bring the jobs home, No more made-in-China

National Union: Where a man belongs, Separating the real men from the pussycats, National Union tough

Social Democrats: Patria's progressive voice, Moving forward on social justice

Green Party: Earth first, Go Green

Libertarian Party: Less government more freedom

Jungle Party: Have a take & don't suck, Straight fire!

Lilith Party: Where womyn belong, Strong womyn strong voices

Chastity Party: Stamp out premarital sex, Just say "no" until you say "I do"

Family Values Party: The 3 H's (healthy, happy, heterosexual), Back to the 1950s.

Incel Party: Giving virgins a voice

Note that some of the above slogans are virtually unchanged from the 2010 campaign. At least none of the major parties (there are, of course, a number of other fringe, nutbar and single-issue parties that are not expected to elect more than one member to the 50th Congress) are trotting out something really vapid and insipid such as "the land is strong", used by the Liberal Party of Canada in 1972.

Help Parvati Make Two Stellar Music Videos

Parvati Devi is a chart-topping, internationally touring Canadian musician, yogi and new-thought leader (and an honorary citizen of Patria) who is often compared to “Madonna meets Eckhart Tolle”. Her music is now #2 in the local electronic charts, #30 in Canada and charting within the top hundreds of electronic dance music artists globally - all without ever signing a major record deal.

To release a song to radio or on-line today, you need a music video. This campaign is raising funds to create two world-class music videos, one for each of Parvati’s songs that we know can be hits: “Shanti Om” and “Yoga In the Nightclub”. The music industry has confirmed that they can be hits. These songs deserve star treatment so that they can fully succeed in the visually driven YouTube era. The intention in making these videos is to spread love and hope, create positive waves and offer upliftment globally. We are committed to bringing these songs forward because they deserve to be enjoyed by millions. We will do what it takes to get them there.

Our goal is to raise $6164 so that we can shoot outdoors next month in south Florida, where it is much warmer than in Canada (or in Patria for that matter). If you are interested, you can donate here - or just listen to clips of Parvati's two songs.

SRM plays usual "Patria First" card

The SRM (Spiritual Regeneration Movement or Swadeshi Ramrajya Movement, call it what you wish) appears to be running virtually the same campaign on the same platform as in 2010 - hard-core Patria-first economic nationalism mixed with old-school Hinduism, as seen on the billboard below:

Buckle up, Patria. It's a rocky, pothole-filled road on the 50th Congress campaign trail.

Patria remembers Nelson Mandela

"No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite"

- Nelson Mandela, 1918-2013

Patria joins much of the macronational world in expressing its deepest condolences on the passing of Nelson "Madiba" Mandela at age 95. Patria honors Mandela as a great soul and freedom fighter who left his anger and bitterness at the prison door upon his release and whose achievements transcend his native South Africa. Of course, Patria's right wing and Diet Coke Party (Patria's Tea Party) contingent were quick to condemn Mandela as a terrorist and unrepentant communist, who - unlike Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. - was not sent to prison for non-violent acts of civil disobedience.

Patria Post will issue a Nelson Mandela commemorative stamp in early 2014. Mandela will become only the third macronational leader to be portrayed on a Patrienish stamp, after Pierre E. Trudeau and Ronald Reagan.

Diplomatic shout-out to Leylandiistan

 

As one of the oldest micronations (established in 1818), Patria's Ministry of External Affairs welcomes diplomatic contacts and peaceful, friendly relations with all micronations, particularly those that are committed to peace, non-violence and religious/spiritual freedom. While Patria has ratified formal bilateral treaties of recognition with a few micronations such as the Holy Empire of Réunion, most of Patria's diplomatic recognition is carried out on an informal or de-facto basis. Today, Patria accords such de facto recognition to the Democratic Republic of Leylandiistan (flag pictured above), a new micronation established in 2012, apparently macro-nationally based in Ireland.

Amma on a stamp, for real in Finland.

Over the years Patria Post has issued a number of stamps depicting Amma, such as for her recent 60th birthday as well as for her 50th in 2003, but Finland has done it for real! During Amma's European tour stop in Helsinki, Jani Toivola, honourable Member of Finnish Parliament, officially released a stamp commemorating Amma’s 60th birthday. The stamp includes the message Syleillen Maailmaa ("Embracing the World" in Finnish) and a beautiful photo of Amma. Speaking on the occasion, Mr. Jani Toivola expressed his happiness on being able to see Amma once again and expressed his deep appreciation for Amma’s work that creates opportunities and platforms for people, especially the youth, to feel empowered. This stamp is apparently a macro-national philatelic first. Not even India has issued an Amma stamp. Macro-nations (i.e. "real" countries) tend to avoid issuing stamps portraying living persons, unless it is the head of state, reigning monarch or a member of the royal family. The only living person who may be pictured on Canada Post stamps is the Queen.

Transcendent Luminosity: Parvati's UK tour

Honorary citizen of Patria Parvati Devi is launching a tour of the United Kingdom, which she has dubbed "Transcendent Luminosity". Why this name? As Parvati explains:

My upcoming tour through England mid October to end of November, 2013, is called “Transcendent Luminosity” because at the heart of all my work, I know this to be our true nature. The tour is designed to inspire and support each one of us being the best we can be.

Parvati will also be teaching a workshop based on her new self-help book Confessions of a Former Yoga Junkie, inspired by her near-death experience in India in the 1990s.

To state the obvious, this tour is scheduled around Amma's visit to London, Oct. 21-23 during her European tour.

Parvati's tour schedule and online ticket sales. (Note early bird specials - save up to £50 on package deals)

Amritavarsham 60: rallying the Amrita Party devotees

Although the lakhs (quant Indglish term for 100,000's) of devotees attending Amritavarsham 60, Amma's 60th birthday celebrations at her home base in Amritapuri, Kerala could not have been aware of it, the event was none other than a humungous rally to launch the Amrita Party's 2014 re-election campaign. As in the USA, being an incumbent (in Amma's case, the Amrita Party's house leader and the Honourable Member from the Precinct of Arboria since 2002), is an incredible advantage when it comes to ginning up popular support and filling the campaign war chest with crores (another quaint Indglish term for tens of millions) of rupees.

DISCLAIMER: the Amrita Party exists only in the Inner Realm of Patria and has no connection whatsoever to the MA Center, Amrita University, Amma Canada, MA Math, or any other Amma-related organization in the macro-national or so-called "real" world. Amma does not hold and does not seek political office anywhere in the macro-world.

Campaign 2014: 50th Congress election primer

For newbies to Patria or first-time visitors to this blog, the following is a brief summary of what you need to know about Patria's upcoming federal election.

Election Day: April 19, 2014 (Third Saturday in April; Patriot’s Day long weekend)

Inauguration Day: June 30, 2014

What’s at stake: 333 seats in Patria’s 50^th Congress (L Con. Pat.), elections for Precinct legislatures and local city, county or demi-precinct councils in some of Patria’s 13 Precincts and the Federal District of Castoropolis (FDC). There is also an upper house in Patria, like the US and Canadian Senate or UK House of Lords, but its members are selected by the Precinct legislatures, not by direct popular vote.

How members of Congress are elected: European or Israeli-style proportional representation. Lists of candidates are prepared by each party and seats are awarded in proportion to the percentage of votes received in each precinct. An idea whose time has come in Canada but will likely never happen.

Congressional apportionment per precinct:

Caesarea – 61 seats

FDC – 38

Nova Columbia – 36

Lazuria – 27

Centralia – 25

Aeolia – 24

Arboria – 21

Antioch – 19

Ambrosia – 17

Canardiere – 16

Mauretania – 15

Pottsylvania – 13

Haldimania – 12

Fredonia – 9

Term of office: Four year term ending June 30, 2018.

Method of vote counting: paper ballots counted by hand. No hanging chads. This ain’t Florida 2000!

Follow on Twitter @Patria1818 and @Patriavotes2014. (the latter account created solely for the purpose of electioneering and political ads from all parties) Hashtag: #PatriaVotes2014

For some basic background information on Patria’s many and varied political parties, please visit the links below. Note that some of this information will require updating since the 2010 election.

Amrita Party “Embracing Patria”, Amma as House leader in Congress. Generally liberal-progressive. 

SRM (Spiritual Regeneration/Swadeshi RamrajyaMovement) “Bring the jobs home” Small-c conservative Hindu nationalist, economic protectionist.

Chakra Party “no gurus, just right” yoga/new age liberal.

National Union “where a man belongs”, macho, populist law and order.

Jungle Party “Have a take, don’t suck”, inspired by Jim Rome.

Parties from the macro-world Parties that actually exist in "real" or macro-nations, e.g. Green Party, Libertarian Party, Social Democrats.

Minor parties: fringe groups and nutbars (Chastity Party, Family Values Party, Lilith Party, Freedom Party, etc.) that get in thanks to no votes being wasted under proportional representation. There are several parties that hold only a single seat in Congress.

It is likely that at least one new party will come into existence during the 2014 campaign, either in the “fringe/nutbar” category above or coming out of nowhere to win more than one or two seats.

Congress returns from summer recess as Campaign 2014 begins

The Fourth Session of the 49th Congress (4·XLIX 2013-14) meets on Monday, Sept. 16. As Patria's Congress returns from its summer recess, the usual economic issues are on the order paper (the economy has improved, at least for Patria's one-percenters) and celebrations of Amma's 60th birthday are set for the last weekend of the month. Macro-world issues such as Syria and immigration reform will also be discussed. But of course, the 800 lb. gorilla or the elephant in the room is Campaign 2014. The election of the 50th Congress will take place on April 19, 2014 (third Saturday in April, during Patriot's Day long weekend). Inauguration Day for the 50th Congress-elect is of course the traditional date of June 30, 2014.

With the election still seven months away, the Amrita-Chakra-Social Democratic "Positive Possibilities" coalition once again faces the challenge of the rightist, economic protectionist Hindu nationalist SRM and Patria's version of the Tea Party, unofficially dubbed the "Diet Coke Party". The manly-values, tungsten-tough, cigarette-smoking, pit bull-owning National Unionists wait in their mancave, pushing their usual macho law and order agenda and separating the real men from the pussycats. The Jungle Party of Jim Rome's Clones, along with the Greens, Libertarians and a whole bunch of nutbar fringe or single-seat parties could swing the balance of power.

As in 2010, you will be able to follow the campaign trail at this blog site as well as on Twitter, where a special account has been set up @Patriavotes2014 for all parties to tweet. If you have not already followed this account, please do so, as well as this blogger's personal Twitter feed @Patria1818. Don't forget to use Patria's Campaign 2014 hashtag: #patriavotes2014.

Yes there will be Amritvarsham 60

Amma's 60th birthday celebrations will take place in her home state of Kerala, Sept. 25-27, and at Amma's ashrams and centers thoughout the world. And in Patria too, of course. Will the main celebration take over a cricket stadium in Cochin, like the 50th birthday party in 2003? Stay tuned. Visit http://www.amritavarsham.org/ for further details or view the tentative schedule of events.

Commemorative stamp for Amma's 60th birthday

Amma's devotees in Patria and in the macro-national world are eagerly awaiting Amma's 60th birthday on September 27. Official plans for an "Amritavarsham 60" celebration in Kerala, on the scale of Amma's 50th birthday in 2003, have not yet been announced. Nonetheless, Patria Post has issued a commemorative stamp to mark the occasion. Although most of Patria Post's recent stamp issues are non-denominated "forever" stamps valid for the current first-class postage rate of an ordinary letter, note that this stamp carries an actual denomination of 60 Patrienish Rupees (or about $1.50 US).

Three years done, one more to go: Third Session, 49th Congress adjourns for summer

The Third Session of Patria's 49th Congress adjourned for the [northern hemisphere] summer recess today, delivering the annual Message to Congress (Patria's version of the State of the Union address) shortly after ratifying Patria's fiscal 2014 budget. By unwritten tradition, the budget is the last legislative act of Congress each year before the end of the session. As in 2013, the budget contains plenty of the A-word (austerity, if you hadn't already guessed) along with the now-usual crappy economic news. With only one year and a couple days until the inauguration of the 50th Congress and election day - April 19, 2014 - coming sooner than you think, Campaign 2014 is for all practical purposes officially under way.

The following is the text of Patria's annual message for 2013.

XLIX Con. Pat.

Annual Message to Congress (at closing of Session)

June 27, 2013

Om brghu-ksetra-samun-milat-para-daivata-tesase namah. Adorations to the Mother who is the divine glory of the awakening land of Patria. With the Divine Mother’s blessings, the 49^th Congressus Patriaë has completed three quarters of its term of office.

 At the three-quarter pole, can one find anyone in Patria who feels that he or she has recovered from the Great Recession or GED (Global Economic Downturn)? Much like the previous two sessions, this third session ends with more dismal economic news, the very real possibility of Patria’s economy sliding back into full-blown recession, nothwithstanding the glass-half-full spin-meisters who trumpet that the Great Recession ended in 2009 and foolishly proclaim the economy to be robust and growing. Just as in the United States and much of Europe, over the course of this session of Congress Patria made some tough economic choices and must continue to put its fiscal house in order going forward to the 2014 election cycle. In Patria’s fiscal 2014 budget, which was ratified by Congress earlier today, once again the key word is austerity: public sector jobs will be chopped, government services will be reduced, and there is virtually nothing the scruffy band of “Occupy Patria” protesters or the liberal lapdog media can do to stop the cuts. Therefore, be warned: if you have not already felt them, the cutbacks are coming. The austerity cobra is ready to strike. Its fangs are bared. But know this: if you are fortunate enough to still have a job, over the course of the next session and the 2014 election campaign you will – thanks to the Diet Coke Party and the Swadeshis factions – at least enjoy the benefits of reduced taxes and smaller, less intrusive government in your take-home pay.

 While political Marxism is almost a spent force, surviving only in a few macro-national hell-holes such as Cuba and North Korea, the evil scourge of Cultural Marxism continues to threaten Patria more than two decades since the Berlin Wall fell and the once-mighty Soviet Union ceased to exist. In this session we have continued to carry on the struggle to promote both economic and social conservative values, to nip in the bud any effort to revive the soul-destroying failed doctrines of Soviet-era communism, to fight the leftist arbiters of political correctness at every turn, to ensure that this Congress remains a forum for open debate of issues that mainstream liberals and conservatives alike are unable or unwilling to address, and to make Patria a safe place for politically incorrect dissident-rightist libertarian-conservative non-violent thought.

 In this session, Patria has been forced to deal with the politically incorrect fact that radical Islamism – not the Islam religion per se – is incompatible with Patria’s peaceful, orderly way of life, based on the precepts of Sanatan Dharma, free from sectarian struggles, imported civil wars and random acts of terrorism. Of course, the vast majority of Muslims are not terrorists. But as we cannot fail to note, from the World Trade Center to the Boston Marathon the vast majority of terrorists are Muslim. Peaceful, otherwise law-abiding mainstream Muslim organizations and mosques tolerate the radicals and terrorists in their midst or have failed to boot them out. As in America, Patria must address the issue of patriotic immigration reform, root out illegal immigrants and deport them immediately, and admit only legal immigrants who are open, ready and willing to embrace Patria’s non-violent values, Vedic culture and Hindu heritage. Going forward into the Fourth Session, there must be no amnesty or path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Citizenship in Patria, whether by birth or naturalization, is a privilege and not a right.

 Another macro-national issue, gay marriage, has remained a hot-button issue over the course of this session. Same-sex marriages have been legal in Canada for some time and may be coming soon to several American states, as just the other day the US Supreme Court struck down the so-called Defense of Marriage Act. But here in Patria, while there is zero tolerance for discrimination against gays and lesbians in employment, public acommodations and the like, and the cowards who perpetrate homophobic acts of violence against gays and lesbians will be vigorously prosecuted and severely punished, marriage must remain a sacred bond and lifetime commitment between a man and a woman, and only between a man and a woman. If someday the Supreme Court of Patria should rule otherwise, you can be assured that no pandit, priest, pastor or rabbi in Patria will ever be required to perform a gay marriage.

 As Congress adjourns for the summer recess, Patria renews the call for non-violent satyagraha. Just as Mahatma Gandhi did in India back in the last century, we call for Patria to rise up and boycott imported garments – in this case to boycott made-in-Bangladesh t-shirts, drawstring pants and the like and the big-box retailers such as Walmart, Joe Fresh and H&M who sell such clothing at a low price in dollars or rupees but at a cost of thousands of human lives, mostly women, lost in the collapse of a gigantic sweatshop factory while working long hours for penny-ante wages in order to satisfy the First World’s demand for bargain-rate fashions. The garment industry’s race to the bottom is a race that Patria should not enter. It is a race whose finish line is in Dhaka, Bangladesh, which perhaps not coincidentally sounds somewhat like “Dachau”. We know of the “hundred mile diet” in which as much as possible of the food we eat is grown with a 100 mile or 62.5 kilometer radius of our homes. In the fight against Bangladeshi imports and in protest against the inhuman working conditions of Bangladeshi sweatshops, to say nothing of the loss of garment industry jobs by the thousands in Patria, Canada, the United States and other first-world democracies, citizens of Patria should adopt the “hundred mile wardrobe” and wear only made-in-Patria clothes, preferably traditional apparel such as kurtas, dhotis and saris, that have been manufactured within a 100 mile radius of home – if not produced at home with fabric spun on a spinning wheel, Gandhi style.

 Although campaigning for the election of 2014 has already begun for all practical purposes, particularly for National Unionists and Swadeshis, the summer between the Third and Fourth Sessions is the more-or-less official beginning of the election campaign for the new Congress. As we all know, on April 19, 2014 we will elect the 50^th Congress, the Congress that will take Patria toward its bicentennial in 2018. The 50^th Congress campaign, which we can follow on Twitter @Patria1818 by using the hashtag #PatriaVotes2014, will not only be considered a referendum on Patria’s economy – or Patria’s handling of the fallout from the GED – but a debate on whether the “Positive Possibilities” platform of the 2010 campaign can remain a viable path for Patria. Going into Campaign 2014, all parties, liberal or conservative, spiritual or secular – from the major players to the single-issue fringe parties and even the single-seat party of ones – must be all-in for the fight against globalism, outsourcing, offshoring and other nefarious job-killing local economy-destroying schemes being plotted in the boardrooms of New York and the lobbies of Washington DC. Patria’s economy must be reclaimed and restructured for the benefit of Patria and Patrienish citizens first, last and above all. After all, this is our Patria, isn’t it? Let us make a pledge to meet in September and bring to this House and to the 50^th Congress campaign trail bold new initiatives to fight the globalists and plutocrats, put Patria first, take back Patria’s economy and bring the jobs home.

Under the power vested in me by the Constitution of Patria, I declare closed the Third Session of the 49^th Congress, and call this Congress to re-assemble here on Monday, the 16^th of September 2013, to open the Fourth Session of the 49^th Congress.

2013, XLIX Con. Pat.  The above text is an official transcription, as published in The Congressional Record, June 27, 2013, 3·XLIX

Smack-Off 2013: the Jungle crowns a new King of Smack

Unlike last week's Hack-Off, which was such a bust that it will likely be the last Hack-Off ever, the 19th annual Smack-Off more than lived up to its advance billing. For the Clones (devoted listeners of the Jim Rome Show), the Smack-Off is the highlight of the year or Christmas in June. For the Jungle Party, the Smack-Off is the party caucus for the 2014 election.

The defending 2012 Smack-Off champion Chael Sonnen was unable to repeat. Previous Smack-Off winners such as Vic in NoCal and Brad in Corona couldn't get it done. The new Smack-Off winner - who will almost certainly be near the top of the Jungle Party list on Election Day 2014 and make some noise in the 50th Congress - is a relatively new Jungle fan, who was participating in only his second Smack-Off: Mark in Hollywood.

Top five Smack-Off finishers:

1. Mark in Hollywood
2. Stevie Carbone
3. Vic in NoCal
4. Mike in Indy
5. Chael Sonnen

Others who called: Dave in St. Louis (non-hunter), Dan in DC, Mike in Wichita, Jason in Little Rock, Trapper in Dana Point, Joe in the OC (i.e. Orange County, California), Jason in Fullerton (the former Jungle call screener and talent co-ordinator J-Stew), Brad in Corona and Boatie in Pearland. A number of other legendary callers and former Smack-Off winners such as Doc Mike DiTolla, Terrence in Sierra Madre and Iafrate were notable for their absence. It is possible that some of them tried to call Jim Rome but could not get on the air during the three hours of show time. If the Hack-Off is indeed toast, Patria would like to see the Smack-Off become a two-day event next year. There is more than enough "talent" (using that word loosely) among the Clones to fill six hours of show time.

Hack-Off 2013: no one wins

The 2013 Hack-Off was such a disappointing show that it may be the last one ever. After only four annual editions, Jim Rome is seriously considering killing the Hack-Off for 2014. Several of the best-known and loved Jungle "Hacks" who were invited to participate, such as defending 2012 champion Jolene, did not call. The calls that did make it to air were so uninspiring that apparently no one won the Hack-Off prize of a trip to the Smack-Off and a possible Jungle Party seat in the 50th Congress.

The 2013 gang of Hacks:

• Jason in Ottawa (aka "Star Canadian linebacker") who wanted to be the first caller in and win the thing wire-to-wire, but got the manual buzzer.
• Aaron in Canton
• Lance in Louisville, who attempted a sickly parody of a Neil Sedaka song!
• Ish in Memphis
• Jesus in Chicago
• Casey in Pensacola
• Ryan in Wichita
• Alex in Salt Lake
• Eddie in Boise, who is actually the raison d'être for the Hack-Off, aka the "Eddie in Boise Invitational".
• Fabian in LA

The best that can be said about the Hack-Off was that it got the hashtag #ValKilmer to trend on Twitter.

Listen to 2013 Hack-Off (may require Jungle Insider subscription).

Meanwhile in the PHL: Kamala Cup playoffs

GO CENTS GO!!

While hockey fans in the macro-world are watching the Stanley Cup playoffs, the Patrienish Hockey League crowned a new Kamala Cup champion: the Arboria Beavers hoisting the prized mug, defeating the Lazuria Black Barons four games to two in a hard-fought final round.

In the first semi-final round, the Castoropolis Centurions - making their first playoff appearance since 2005 - faced the Lazuria Black Barons. The Centurions, aka the Toronto Maple Leafs of the PHL, were huge underdogs going into the playoff round, expected to fall in five games, if not a four-game sweep. But the Cents, after being down 3 games to 1, took the Barons to 7 games, losing the seventh and deciding game on Lazurian ice 5-4 in overtime after blowing a 4-1 lead early in the third period! Fans in Centurions Nation are expecting big things from the green and white next year!

In the other semi-final, which also went the full seven games, the Arboria Beavers out-dueled the Centralia Crusaders. The Beavers then went on to knock off the Barons in six games - five of which were decided in overtime - to take the 2012-13 Kamala Cup back to the Precinct of Arboria. And yes, they played a full regular-season schedule. No lockout in this league!

2013 Hack-Off and Smack-Off

Jungle Party house leader Jim Rome announced that the 5th annual Hack-Off and 19th annual Smack-Off will air on June 7 and June 14 respectively. The Smack-Off is an annual competition in which select listeners are invited to provide their best “Smack Talk.” The contest, controversially won in 2012 by MMA fighter Chael Sonnen, is a way to recognize the best callers to the show, as well as a means of determining the best caller of the year. Participants in this year's Smack-Off will appear on the Jungle Party list for Patria's 2014 election and will be awarded seats in the 50th Congress according to the percentage of the Jungle Party's popular vote on election day, April 19, 2014.

One week before the Smack-Off, the Hack-Off takes place: the annual competition between the worst of the worst Jim Rome Show callers. The winner of the Hack-Off, i.e. the "best of the worst" wins an automatic berth in the Smack-Off.

Will Chael Sonnen defend his "King of Smack" title? Will the Hack-Off winner make it to the end of his or her Smack-Off call without getting the manual buzzer? Will past Smack-Off winners such as Vic in NoCal, Iafrate, Brad in Corona and Jeff in Richmond come strong and show that they have enough game to win seats in the 50th Congress? Tune in to PMBC-1152 and your local CBS Sports Network affiliate on Friday, June 14 from 9:00 AM to noon Pacific time, noon to 3:00 PM Eastern time, or 1600 to 1900 UTC.

Election Day one year away!

Actually one year less a day. On April 19, 2014 Patria will elect the 50th Congressus Patriaë (L Con. Pat.). To state the obvious: election campaigns in Patria drag on almost as long as those in the United States. But unlike in the USA, there are waaaaaaay more than two big-tent tweedledum/tweedledee parties to choose from. Election day is on a Saturday, so fewer folks will have the excuse of not being able to take time off work in order to vote. Not to mention that Patrienish Congresspeople are elected by proportional representation. None of that stupid first-past-the-post garbage that results in so-called "majority" governments receiving much less than 50% of the popular vote and millions of wasted votes in the US, Canada and the UK.

Are you ready for Campaign 2014? Let's crank up the hot air for the 50th Congress. It's a marathon, not a sprint!

Patria comes to Toronto

Patria has always had a special relationship with Canada, but now there is literally a Patria in Toronto: Patria Restaurant recently opened at 480 King Street West in Toronto's so-called "Entertainment District". It's a Spanish (i.e. from Spain, not Latin America) restaurant that re-creates a Barcelona tapas bar.

Patria (the restaurant that is, not the micronation) actually received fairly good reviews in the Toronto Star, Yelp and UrbanSpoon. It was also featured in a BlogTO photo essay. You can even follow them on Twitter @PatriaTO and like them on Facebook. It's worth a visit if you're craving, say, jamón ibérico de bellota (cured ham) and the variety of snacks and appetizers known as tapas. But it's not real, traditional Patrienish cuisine. Patria's national dish is Patria Wings - similar to Buffalo chicken wings, but cooked Tandoori style!

Don't expect Patrienish food at Toronto's Patria restaurant!

J-Stew leaves the Jungle

Jim Rome's legendary Jungle sidekick Jason Stewart (aka "J-Stew", "Mr. Automatic") announced his resignation from the Jungle as of March 8, in order to pursue other as-yet undisclosed interests. A graduate of Cal State Fullerton, J-Stew has a number of appearances on made-for-TV movies on his résumé, but his best known role was as a contestant on the reality TV series Blind Date. From humble beginnings as a listener and caller on the Jim Rome show circa 1995, J-Stew's reputation soon grew and Jim Rome took him on as the Jungle's call screener and "booker" (responsible for finding and scheduling the many sports personalities who gained Jungle Karma by being interviewed on the show). His official job title for the latter role was "Talent Coordinator". As the Jungle's call screener, his was the first voice a potential caller would hear on 1-800-636-8686. And often the last voice if the unfortunate schmuck's take was too weak or sucked too much to make it to air with Jim Rome.

J-Stew was a member of the Jungle Party caucus in Patria's Congress. But his seat will be up for grabs in 2014.

A tribute song to J-Stew, by a Houston, TX garage band called Three Day Weekend has been a Jungle favorite from the first time it aired in 2005.



Follow J-Stew on Twitter.

Vasant Panchami, not Valentines Day

Celebrate me on Feb. 14, 2013.

For many years, Patria has been leading the campaign to boycott - if not completely abolish - Valentines Day. Patria's dislike of the bogus Hallmark Holiday on Feb. 14 is well-known: over-commercialization, over-focus on "love" as only between heterosexual partners and only related to sexuality, but mainly because the day brutally excludes those who are involuntarily celibate (often because of Asperger's, now officially called autism spectrum disorders), do not have the social skills to function in an intimate partner relationship, are so devoted to their jobs or academic studies that they do not have time for a relationship, or are simply introverted. Not to mention those who are asexual. For men who do have girlfriends or significant others, Valentines Day forces these poor suckers to spend hard-earned money needlessly on useless "gifts" like flowers, chocolates and lingerie in the hope of getting some action between the sheets. Finally, in the northern hemisphere, the day falls in the middle of the coldest, dreariest month of the year. What Monday is to the week, February is to the year. For anyone who suffers from winter blahs or seasonal affective disorder, Valentines Day is just another crappy day that you could do without in a seemingly endless winter.

Incidentally, Patria discourages public displays of affection between couples. Kissing, fondling, tonsil hockey and other such acts in full view of children and vulnerable socially-disabled adults in public places such as buses, subways and park benches is frowned upon and could get you arrested in precincts with strong National Union and other conservative party representation. Patria is intended to be a safe place for "no sex until marriage, if at all" social conservatives and those whose autism spectrum social disability has made them de facto social conservatives.

Rather than Valentines Day, on Feb. 14th Patria will celebrate Vasant Panchami or Saraswati Jayanti. This day, in late January or early February according to the Hindu lunar calendar, celebrates the "birthday" or incarnation day of Mother Saraswati, the presiding deity of speech, language, literature and the arts. In her incarnation as Amma Karunamayi, Saraswati is Patria's Speaker of the House and ceremonial Head of State.

The most significant aspect of Vasant Panchami is that it is also the most auspicious day to begin laying one’s foundations of education – of how to read and write. Pre-school children are given their first lesson in reading and writing on this day. All Hindu educational institutions conduct special prayer for Saraswati on this day. It is also a great day to inaugurate training institutes and new schools

Screw Valentines Day. Do Saraswati Puja. Use those flowers for archana and chocolates for prasad. Saraswati Mata Ki Jai! The following is the traditional Saraswati arati song:

Om jaya Saraswati mata, jaya jaya Saraswati mata!

Sadaguna vaibhava shalini (2),

tribhuvana vikhyata. Jai jai Saraswati mata.

Victory to you, O Mother Saraswati!  You are renowned throughout the three worlds as the treasure-house of all great noble virtues.  Let all sing to the glory of your name!

Chandravadani padmasani dyuti mangalakare.  Maiya dyuti mangalakare.

Sohe shubha hamsa savare (2),

atula tejadhare.  Jai jai Saraswati mata.

O infinitely radiant goddess, you are beautiful and bright as the moon and are seated in lotus posture; you are lustrous in appearance and source of all blessings; your vehicle, the auspicious swan, looks elegant.

Bayem kara me vina, dayem kara mala.  Maiya dayem kara mala.

Shisha mukuta mani sohe (2),

gala motiyana mala.  Jai jai Saraswati mata.

In your left hand, O Mother Saraswati, is the vina and in the right a wreath; on your head lies a splendid coronet of gems and around your neck a mala of pearls.

Devi sharana jo ae, unaka uddhara kiya.  Maiya unaka uddhara kiya.

Paithi manthara dasi (2),

Ravana samhara kiya.  Jai jai Saraswati mata.

O Goddess, whoever sought refuge in you was released from the cycle of birth and death.  By perverting the mind of Kaikeyi's dull-witted hand­maid, Manthara, you became instrumental in the destruction of Ravana.

Vidya jñana pradayani, jñana prakasha bharo.  Maiya jñana prakasha bharo.

Moha ajñana timira ka (2),

jaga se nasha karo.  Jai jai Saraswati mata.

O bestower of learning and skill, illumine the world with light of knowledge and dispel the darkness of ignorance and infatuation.

Dhupa dipa phala meva, mam swikara karo.  Maiya mam swikara karo.

Jñana chakshu de mata (2),

jaga nistara karo.  Jai jai Saraswati mata.

O Mother, pray accept my gift of incense, light, both green and dry fruits, and endowing the world with the eyes of knowledge, ferry it across the ocean of the phenomenal world.

Mata Saraswati ki arati, jo koi jana gavai.  Maiya jo koi jana gavai.

Hitakari sukhakari (2),

Jñana bhakti pavai.  Jai jai Saraswati mata.

Whoever offers this arati to Mother Saraswati becomes a recipient of knowledge and devotion, both of which are beneficial and yield great happiness.

February 13 is World Radio Day

The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) has proclaimed February 13 World Radio Day. On that day in 1946, United Nations Radio signed on the air. World Radio Day is a day to celebrate radio as a medium; to improve international cooperation between broadcasters; and to encourage major networks and community radio alike to promote access to information and freedom of expression over the airwaves.

As radio continues to evolve in the digital age, it remains the medium that reaches the widest audience worldwide. This multi-purpose medium can help people, including youth, to engage in discussions on topics that affect them. It can save lives during natural or human-made disasters; and it provides journalists with a platform to report facts and tell their stories.

UNESCO encourages all countries to celebrate World Radio Day by planning activities in partnership with regional, national and international broadcasters, non-governmental organizations, the media and the public.

The national broadcasting network in Patria, Ramrajyavani - Patria's equivalent of the BBC, All India Radio, or the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation/Société Radio-Canada - airs programs in English, Sanskrit and Patrienish on AM, FM, and of course shortwave. In 2001, Patria Post issued a stamp to commemorate the 75th anniversary of the establishment of the Voice of Patria (Ramrajyavani means literally "Voice of Patria" in Sanskrit).

Along with the Ramrajyavani networks, there are many privately-owned AM and FM stations in Patria. Unlike in the US, most of these stations provide locally-produced programs dedicated to the communities that they serve. No voice-tracking. No turnkey, satellite-feed junk. Every major city has a full-service news and information station, such as PMC-846 in Castoropolis. The only exception is in Patria's capital city, where a number of US-based right-wing talk and sports shows can be heard on stations such as PMBC-1152 and POKX-648. But with the exception of the Jim Rome show on PMBC, their ratings are minuscule compared to PMC, a grand old legacy station much like KMOX in St. Louis.

Inauguration USA: four more years for BHO

The macro-national world's "real" Inauguration Day saw Barack Obama take the oath of office (twice!) to begin his second term of office. The quadrennial ceremony in Washington DC on January 20 (but in 2013 on the 21st) is, of course, the model for the one that takes place in Castoropolis every fourth year on June 30. As January 20 - the day the terms of the president and vice-president end at noon Eastern (UTC-5) time, as mandated by the 20th Amendment of the United States Constitution - fell on a Sunday in 2013, Obama took the oath of office in a private ceremony at the White House, while the public inauguration ceremony, inaugural parade and inaugural balls were held the following day, which coincidentially was Martin Luther King Day. This "never on Sunday" tradition would not happen in Patria, as Patria has no Christian legacy to speak of. There is, however, one exception: June 30, 2002 fell on a Sunday and the inauguration of the 47th Congress was postponed until the following Monday, July 1. But not out of respect for the Christian Sabbath. The final of the 2002 World Cup was played on June 30, and Patria wouldn't dare to go head-to-head with the world's most popular sport.

Immediately after repeating the presidential oath, Mr. Obama delivered the traditional inaugural address, in which he referenced Stonewall - in the same phrase as Seneca Falls and Selma. In fact, the President specifically referenced his commitment to gay rights: "Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law—for if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well".

Patria salutes the US President and wishes Mr. Obama well in his second term.

Transcription of Obama's second Inaugural Address.

Mohrriors and Clones go head-to-head

 Jay Mohr, the one-time protégé of Jim Rome and occasional guest host of Rome's Jungle show, is now hosting Jay Mohr Sports head-to-head on the radio with Jim Rome in the Monday-Friday 12 noon - 3 PM time slot. In Castoropolis and Caesarea, Mohr can be heard on PHN-1251 a sports talk station whose signal does not have nearly the punch as Patria's Jim Rome flagship PMBC-1152.

Jay Mohr's listeners have been dubbed "Mohrriors". While Rome tries to be funny, Mohr's background is actually as a comedian rather than a sports talker. It remains to be seen whether Mohr can motivate his Patrienish fan base into a political force in Patria's 2014 election. With Campaign 2014 still about a year away from ramping up (election day is April 19, 2014), don't bet against the Mohrriors winning a few seats in the 50th Congress, perhaps at the expense of the Jungle Party.

Other AM radio bits in Patria's capital city: PMC-846 counters Rome and Mohr with local sports talk. They're still the top-rated station in Castoropolis, thanks to full-service local news, public affairs programming and in-depth sports talk about the Castoropolis Centurions, Senators, Capitals, and the All-Patria Football Federation. POKX-648, once the "Nifty 650" Top 40 blowtorch, spew out right wing talk, including Rush Limbaugh (also in the weekday afternoon slot in case Rome and Mohr aren't your thing).